A Regret

Every once in a while I look back over my life and, over all, I have very few regrets. Most of my mistakes, which are countless, I have been able to learn from, make amends (still with fairly harsh consequences, but deserved, nonetheless), and even overcome. However, there is one that continues to haunt me to this day.

Sometimes, I even feel I am shackled to it and there is no key.

As I look at that statement and try to be reasonable, possibly only part of it is true. I have been inexorably constrained by my error. This reality is difficult to swallow. That specific decision I made as a very young adult has molded me into the woman I am today. What shall I do with that fact? In truth, I am humbled continually by my previous lack of judgment, and, I must admit, humility is a trait that I esteem in others, so I will not condemn that attribute even in myself. I believe God has used it for good as I have experienced life with Husband and Children.

So, you are probably asking, what is the problem? Well, the conclusion of the statement is where my misery takes root. Is there a key? Yes, there is, however, it is an expensive key. What I may be realizing is that it is the same key that I refused to use before. I chose not to utilize it in my past because it was just as costly way back then. There is a difference in the price. The expenditure will be paid by my whole family, not just me.

Now, what will I do? Truthfully, I'm not sure. I know, it doesn't sound like me, does it? Usually when confronted with a difficult decision I tackle the task head on and just do what needs to get done. Why does this issue stump me? I think because I hesitate to have my family pay for my past mistakes. But, it really is getting to the point that I cannot wait any longer to redeem the past.

Lord, lead me, relieve me, provide for me, redeem my past for future good.

Noise

Does anyone else find this ironic?

Yesterday I was going to vacuum the front room. It's the room we all spend most of our time in. It's where we watch the most tv (the best tv is in there), the kids toys are in there and they really make a mess with their snacks and drinks. Anyway, I was on my way to clean it, 18 was in the dining room, across the foyer, writing a paper.

18 - Oh no! You're not going to vacuum now, are you?

me - Why, yes, I am. That room is a mess and I want to clean it before the Maverick game tonight. ( We are avid Dallas Maverick Basketball fans)

18 - Please, don't, I won't be able to concentrate, it will be too loud.

me - ok. I can wait a while. How long will you be?

18 - (no answer.)

She had already popped her ipod earphones in and promptly turned it up so high she couldn't hear a word I said.

Someone please save me from my reasonable self!

Black Friday

Why do we do it? Rise hours before dawn to stand in line and be some of the first customers to rush a store for "doorbuster" deals? I'll tell you why I do it.

My friend invited me a few years ago to Black Friday shop with her because her "regular" shopping friend couldn't go. I had never been before, and frankly, had never considered it. "Well, those people are just crazy. I do not need a sale that bad!" I used to declare. But, I really like this friend and wanted her to have the shopping experience she desired, so I drug myself out of bed, grabbed a cup of coffee, a short shopping list and embarked on what would prove to be the first of many fanatical Black Fridays.

I admit it, I am hooked. It was so much fun standing in line with my friend, sipping coffee, sharing our Thanksgiving memories from the day before, our hopes for our children and our children's children for the future (while we are shivering), and, I cannot deny, we entered each store to win the prize of the deal of the day.

We make a pretty good team. We usually separate at the door, grab our trophy deals, and meet at the register to check out (cell phones are a must!) She has, on several occasions, enabled me to be next in line for cameras that were limited to the first 10 customers, grabbed vacuums that were being considered by other people and I really needed that last one, and she simply helps me make those decisions that need a second opinion.

I believe Black Friday Shopping is first about being with my friend and second about shopping. Husband loves it because he gets to stay in bed, yet he benefits from me getting more for our money at Christmas.

Thank you friend for inviting me years ago to share your life with you.

Why Do We Go To Church Sunday and Wednesday Nights? (and why do we feel guilty when we don't)

I must answer this simply from my personal desires and needs. When my family was looking for a church about a year ago one of our first desires was that our new church would have Sunday p.m. and Wed p.m. services. It was more difficult to find churches that had these services than those that had ceased their worship at these times. We desire these times with other believers because of our need to be taught, encouraged, and lifted up more than just once a week.

If my desire is to be less like this world and more like Christ, I must spend extra time with like minded Christians who remind me that this world is not my home and that I shouldn’t fit in with it. My human nature tells me constantly that I can have both, this world and Christ. But that is a lie. So, when I go to see my Christian family I hear and see Truth more clearly.

I love Sunday and Wednesday nights. That is when most of the people who are there are serious about their walk and those are the people I need. I hunger for learning from them and experiencing Christ with them. Worshipping with them moves me. Sunday mornings are great, too, but Sunday p.m. worship is more intimate and personal for me.

When I miss, I don’t feel guilty, and neither should you. I think when we feel guilty, it is because of what we believe others might think of us. I am not keeping score, are you?

Women's Ministries

I guess I feel I just need express my opinion about Women's Ministries (WM) and their role in the early 21st century church. I know it sounds academic, but, this is really merely my own personal ponderings. I may really be off the mark, so let me know if I need to change my view.

I have been intimately involved in WM for 23 years. I have started ministries, served as a team member, led them, and faithfully supported and attended organizations that others have built. I freely admit that when I first began the arduous task of building the first WM I would be involved with, I was young, at an adolescent church, and I had no experience in this area. Even with these obstacles, this group of women understood their need for community. Not just any community, but a sisterhood of like minded Christians who needed each other to encourage one another in our sojourn. We ministered together to others outside our church, met together to serve one another, and ultimately our church benefitted. Of course, this position was voluntary.

As the years have passed, our family has changed and so have the churches we have attended. I have served on a team or led the WM at every church we have belonged. The ministry that I remember with the most fondness was, suprisingly, not the largest church we joined (300). It did eventually grow to be rather large (1500 in attendance of each Sunday morning). I was paid staff at this church. I had a volunteer team of 8, and they had teams of their own that successfully engineered and executed their segment of the ministry with a creativity I could never have generated myself.

In my experience, and I will agree it is limited, most churches (of any denomination) do not have a WM staff position. The job of WM leader is expected to be filled by a volunteer. Most churches will express their desire to have a WM, but, realistically, if no one steps up to do the job, our churches will wait for someone to "feel" the need to organize activities for the women, especially since it is a volunteer position. Each volunteer tends to have their favorite activity to support, so as the leaders change, so does the personality of the ministry. Now, this is true of most positions, however, in ministry at a church whose foundation is the Bible, we really should have a cornerstone of Bible study for WM no matter who is in leadership.

So, now I must ask myself (and you) these questions:

*Why isn't WM a necessary component in our church?
*Is WM just a nice, additional activity for us to put in our bulletins on Sunday to show how much we have going on?
*If we are going to spend millions on our children and youth ministries (and I believe this is the right thing to do), will we be satisfied for these women to just drop their children off and leave our parking lot? (Our numbers say that this is happening)
*Why don't we find a professional WM leader and include that position on our church staff so we can have an effective ministry that affects over half our attendees, and, in turn, benefits our church as a whole? (On any given Sunday over half of the adults in attendance are women).

To conclude, I love my church. My desire is for us not to follow trends in the 21st century church, but to create them. Effective trends that will affect our world for Christ. That is why we are here.

Fear God and keep His commandments

Closing Comments
Ecclesiastes – Week 6

I. Fear God

A. FEAR (Holman Bible Dictionary) A broad range of emotions that embrace both the secular and the religious worlds.

1. Secular fear is the natural feeling of alarm caused by the expectation of imminent danger, pain, or disaster.

2. Religious fear appears as the result of awe and reverence toward a supreme power.

B. FEAR 3372. yare', yaw-ray'– (Strong’s Hebrew Dictionary); a primary root; to fear; morally to revere; causative to frighten:--panic, be (make) afraid, dread(-ful), (put in) fear (-ful, -fully, -ing). (be had in) reverence (-end), X see, terrible (act, -ness, thing).

1. Obedience to even the hardest commands is our goal, because the consequence of disobedience (separation from God) is dreadful. Gen 22:12

2. We should not fear anything or anyone but God alone. This will protect us from sinning. Ex. 20:20

3. The fear of the LORD in our children begins with us. Josh 4: 22-24

C. FEAR - When I realize my own frailty, understand my lack of control in my circumstances and future, and get a glimpse of God’s glory, power and sovereignty, I am distressed and require God’s sheltering presence from myself and the effect of this sinful world.

II. Keep His Commandments

A. Jericho…
1. glimpsed Jehovah Sabaoth before Israel came to their city.
2. had already begun to respond to His might.

B. Israel
1. Fundamentals of fearing Jehovah Sabaoth
a. Circumcision – v2-7
b. Healing – v8
c. Reflect on God’s deliverance in the past – v10
d. Recognize that the battle was God’s – v13-14
e. Acknowledge the Holiness of God – v14-15

1. Experiencing Jehovah Sabaoth
a. God gave Israel exactly what He had promised
1. sustenance
2. The land

b. God did all the work. Israel was only required to keep His commandments.

III. For this is the whole duty of man.

BE THE WORD.

Ecclesiastes - Week 5

Closing Comments

I. Submission – Literally – Under (sub) – Cause or Purpose (mission)
mis·sion - noun
1. a sending out or being sent out with authority to perform a special service;
2. a group of persons sent to a foreign government to conduct negotiations; diplomatic delegation; embassy
3. the special task or purpose for which a person is apparently destined in life; calling
4. any charitable, educational, or religious organization for helping persons in need
5. a series of special religious services designed to increase faith or bring about conversion
6. * Mil. a specific combat operation assigned to an individual or unit;

II. Submission to God

A. Our cause is the law of God which brings life and peace. (Rom 8:6-7)

B. Ultimately, all will submit to God’s authority. (1 Cor 15:26 – 28) - The order of this world is hazy. But eventually God will make it all right. Every creation will be subject to Him, cede to Him now and enjoy the blessings of God’s order before the appointed time.

C. Submission is a hierarchy from God. ( Eph 5:17 – 24 ) God to Christ, to man, to woman, to child as the sequence. However, the tone of this hierarchy was not military, but voluntary and self-sacrificing. It is wise, understanding, and perceptive of God’s will. It is about pleasure and order, and out of our desire to please our Redeemer.

III. Submission to others

A. Our submission to man’s ordinances will silence fools and glorify God and give us liberty. (1 Pet 2:13 – 20) (Rom 13:1 – 7) Anyone God has put in authority over you is so that you will have someone to minister to you. Do you believe you are not in need of someone to serve and protect you? Give over that area of your life and allow God to lead as well as shelter you from this dangerous world.

B. Be humble towards all and ready to learn from anyone God chooses to use. (1 Pet 5:5 – 8) Yes, usually it is the younger who offer submission to the older, however, it is not always the case. Grace and humility go hand in hand. This will keep you from the wiles of The adversary.

C. Submission is a hierarchy from God. (Eph 5:17 – 24) God to Christ, to man, to woman, to child as the sequence. However, the tone of this hierarchy was not military, but voluntary and self-sacrificing. It is wise, understanding, and perceptive of God’s will. It is about pleasure and order, and out of our desire to please our Redeemer.

D. We must be committed to the mission of God even when we doubt our husband’s devotion to the call of God. (1 Pet 3:1) Even if your husbands are not Christians or are not obedient to Christ, you must be submissive to them, as if they were, so that your obedience to Christ will cause them to turn or return to the Lord.


Doctrine statement concerning submission

Submission is an act of admitting the authority of God over me in every area of my life, ceding to the order God has ordained, and resisting my human desires to deny the leadership and protection God has provided in this carnal world.

Tulle, tulle, & more tulle

tulle - noun- a thin, fine netting of silk, rayon, nylon, etc., used as for veils and scarves.

To me, tulle equals wedding. It's that lovely, wispy, netting that blows gently in the wind and drapes everything in romance. There was an irresistable aura of love in New Waverly, Texas this past weekend. Neice 21, married her beau on Saturday in an outdoor wedding, in the country, among 100 friends and family. The gazebo was beautifully draped in tulle and lit with lights amid grapevine pulled from the trees on the land behind the house.

I had the fabulous honor of helping sister in law decorate the acres where the wedding and reception would be held. We had great fun from Thursday til right up to the minute of the wedding planning where the tulle and lights would be hung, calculating how to best host 100 people, and simply playing in the tulle.

It was hot, difficult work at times, but I wouldn't trade one minute of the experience of observing Neice 21 and her mother prepare for her new life on those few days. Even more endearing was watching my brother organize himself, not only to give her away to her groom, but to perform the wedding ceremony. He has been her pastor for 19 of her 21 years. It was only proper. His words will forever be embedded in my heart. My brother said:

"I have many memories of 21 when she was young, but, the two I want to share with you are these two things. When 21 was small and had a bad day and was really upset, I would simply hold her until she would calm down and quit crying or go to sleep. And one day when she was only 2 yrs old she put the car in reverse while I was raising the garage door and the car went racing across the street, all I could do was run to rescue her from the danger that I could see was imminent. I was ready to do whatever it took to bring her to safety. "

"Groom, that is your charge, if 21 is having a bad day or a rough time, hold her and let her know that everthing will be ok. If something is dragging her away, Go get her and bring her back! Her mother and I give her away, to you, and now that is your responsibility, her security and her safety."

Now they are cruising the Caribbean. What a glorious beginning of what will be a lifetime of memories.

Ecclesiastes – Week 4

Closing Comments


I. When is it time to forgive?

a. After every offense (Luke 23: 34)
b. Before asked (Ps 86:5)

II. How do I forgive?

a. Just like God forgives me, completely. (Jer 31:34b)
b. With the compassion of God because we are called to hold a different standard in our relationships. (I Kings 8:50-53a)

III. What does complete forgiveness look like?

a. It looks like pure love. I must remember that I am here to allow the people around me to experience a shadow of their relationship with Christ. Rejoicing in good decisions, facing and dealing with poor decisions.

b. Forgiveness doesn’t mean an absence of consequences. Natural consequences are godly consequences.

Riches of God

Closing Comments
Ecclesiastes – Week 3

I. Riches of God all benefit me.

a. Goodness, forebearance, longsuffering. (Rom 2:4)

b. Patience and mercy. (Rom 9:22 -23)

c. Redemption, forgiveness, makes known His will for our lives. (Eph 1:7)

d. Christ in you. (Col 1:27)
1. Preserving God's Word (Jn 14:26)
2. Testifies of Jesus (Jn 15:26)
3. Conviction (Jn16:8)
4. Illumination (Jn 16:12)
5. Glorifying Jesus (Jn 16:14)
6. Regeneration (Titus 3:5)
7. Prayer (Rom 8:26)
8. Comfort (Acts 9:31; 2Cor 1:4)
9. Cleansing, Sanctification, Justification (1Cor 6:11)

II. My Investment in God’s Riches is doing today what I was called to do today. (Rom 11: 34-12:1)

a. Mercies of God – I can only consider becoming “rich in God” because God has withheld reasonable judgment from me.

b. Body as a Living sacrifice
1. Body – that which I have control over
2. Living Sacrifice – lively, moving, and quickened. Not idle.

c. Holy, acceptable unto God
1. Pure and morally blameless
2. Well pleasing

d. Reasonable service
1. Reasonable - Rational, (root word logos), of the word
2. Service – worship

III. My Investment in Others is the same as my investment in God’s Riches.

Be faithful to have an intimate relationship with the Lord, let Him work through me, so that the rest of the world will know that He is the Lord God and there is no other, which will be evidence of an undivided heart (a heart at peace with God). – 1 Kings 8:59-61

"Practice Hospitality"

OK, OK I admit it, in the chaos of raising a family, trying to make a living, making every attempt to diet and exercise (or maybe I should just say "making" an attempt), and endeavoring to keep my home in order, that little command I read in Romans 12:13 goes straight to the bottom of my list of to-do's. Especially as the holiday season approaches, and my list grows each day, can I really be expected to "practice hospitality"? It is just two little words, perhaps I can just gloss over them and look more closely at them next year when my life will be a little less hectic (ha,ha).

I decided I should do a little research and discover what I could about that small phrase and how it should impact my schedule. After all, if it is in Scripture, I really must heed that advice, and I do believe the Bible is for my good.

Several questions come to mind:

1. What is hospitality? Hospitality is generously receiving guests in my home and having a welcoming attitude toward them.

2. How can I practice hospitality? To practice means to perform habitually or regularly. So to practice hospitality I must make a habit of welcoming guests into my home.

3. What good can it be for me and others? Simply put, Christian fruit is in Christian relationships (Rom 1:13). We meet one another's needs in developing friendships and relationships. I need others and the encouragement they offer and they need me.

4. How can I "practice hospitality" in my home? This is too hard for me! My greatest excuses are that my home is not nice enough or clean enough. Honestly, when I consider the times I have been invited to someone else's home, I never judged their possessions or how neat or clean it was. I was genuinely grateful for the invitation and the friendship that was offered.

So, now what? Now that I know I must "practice hospitality" what steps can I take to be faithful to that duty? I think I will start small. I will ask a friend that I already know and a new "someone" from my Lifegroup over for dessert. That should be easy. Then, maybe I'll move up to inviting a couple over for dinner and games. Maybe I'll even have a Christmas party! Being obedient to the Word could have lasting blessings through the friendships that will be developed by "practicing hospitality"!

The more I "practice hospitality", the more fun it will be. The more relationships I have the more support and encouragement I will receive at exactly the right time. I knew God's Word was good for me!! Thank you, LORD, for those two little words, "Practice Hospitality".

Seeking God - Ecclesiastes - Week 3

“Simply be faithful and find pleasure in doing what you are called to do!”

I. Determine what I am called to do.

A. Circumstances which prohibit me from seeking God.

1. Is the LORD God my God? (Lev 20:6-8)
2. Do I believe that God is sovereign? (1 Sam 23:14)
3. Pride (Ps 10:4;2 Chr 7:14;Jer 29:13)

B. How to seek God’s will for today.

1. Prepare my heart. (Ezra 7:10; 2 Chr 12:14)
2. Have a willing mind. (1 Chr 28:8 -9;)
3. Abide with Christ. (John 1:38 -39)

II. Finding pleasure in seeking God and doing what I am called to do.

A. Having a prepared heart and a willing mind and abide with Him continually. (1 Chr 16:10 -11)
B. If we seek Him we will lack no good thing. (Ps 34:10)

C. Freedom comes in the discovering and following God’s principles. (Psalm 119:45)


III. Be faithful to my calling.

A. Is 58:11-14

B. Heb 10:38-39


Doctrine statement concerning seeking God:

“The fundamental reason I cannot hear from God is because I have not sought Him in humility. Humility leads me to thirst for Him, seek forgiveness, realize my infirmities, ask continuously, and follow when I hear His answer.”

The Heritage: Ecclesiastes - Week 2

Heritage (Webster's Definition)

1 : property that descends to an heir
2 a : something transmitted by or acquired from a predecessor
3 : something possessed as a result of one's natural situation or birth

Synonyms: LEGACY, INHERITANCE b : TRADITION, BIRTHRIGHT

I. God’s inheritance for me is …
a. Eternal (Ps 37:18)
b. Steadfast (Ps 94:14)
c. Vindication and Righteousness (Is 54:17)
d. Forgiving, Merciful, and Compassionate (Micah 7:18-19)
e. God Himself (Ezekiel 44:28)

II. Is the heritage I am leaving…
a. Eternal?
b. Steadfast?
c. Dependent on God for vindication and righteousness?
d. Forgiving, merciful, and compassionate?
e. God Himself?

III. No regrets
a. Have I been faithful with what God has given me? (Jer 2:7)
b. Have I considered my children a heritage of the Lord? (Ps 127:3)
c. Walk wisely, redeeming the time. (Eph 5:15-16)

Sex and the Niece

This past weekend I co hosted a lingerie shower for my niece who is engaged to be married at the end of this month. Honestly, I am thrilled for her. I believe she has found the love of her life and her aura of captivation is obvious to all who are fortunate to get a glimpse of her. She is 21 and at her physical prime. Fabulous skin, enviable figure, perfect coif with satiny highlights, and a once in a lifetime wardrobe.

Now, it occurred to me as we were all oohing and aahing over the cutest, skimpiest lingerie we have seen in a while, that we (friends of the MOB(mother of bride)) were having a wonderful time discussing things that for 21 years we have made every effort to hide from her. Don't get me wrong, we were all together appropriate, nothing lewd or lascivious.

I guess, for this niece of 21, she has successfully traversed to this stage of womanhood. This point in time that married women share with one another the true joy of sex in marriage. Frankly, when you share yourself with someone who is committed to you, it is beyond explanation on a blog. Pleasing husband and being pleased by him absolutely solidifies our union.

My prayer for neice 21 is that her marriage will be all she desires and that she will discover that her husband is the man that completes her.

Thank you, Lord, for marriage and all that goes with it!

An Undivided Heart: Intro to Ecclesiastes

I. Maintaining the Cause (I Kings 9:59-60)

A. History of Israel
1. Genesis 12:1-3 – The Abrahamic covenant
2. Exodus 25:8 – Their Deliverance from Egypt
3. Judges 2 – The Judges Rule

B. History of Solomon
1. I Samuel 8 – Israel wants a king
2. I Samuel 16 – David becomes king
3. I Kings 1 – Solomon becomes king



II. An Undivided Heart (I Kings 8:61)

A. Perfect Heart


1. It’s all about peace
2. Strong’s Hebrew Dictionary (H8003) shalem – complete, literally or figuratively. Full, just, made ready, peaceable, perfect(ed), quiet, whole
3. How can we attain peace? (Philippians 3:12-16)

B. Results of a Heart at Peace
1. Unity (1 Chronicles 12:38)
2. The Lord shows Himself strong (2 Chronicles 16:9)

Studying Ecclesiastes

On Wednesdays, for about 7 weeks, a group of women will meet and study the Book of Ecclesiastes. We will discuss some very interesting topics which are addressed in this enigmatic and challenging piece of literature. In fact, I believe it may change the way we perceive life as we now recognize it.

My purpose in sharing this fact with you is this, I will be posting the outline and some closing comments from the class on this site. So, if you miss a class during the semester, you can have a taste of what we discussed. Or, maybe you are the type that needs to fill in all the blanks on your handout and cannot bear to have an empty blank, you can come to this site to soothe your obsessive soul.

I am looking forward to learning the Truth, making new friends, and being encouraged by you.

Confessions of an Ordinary Woman

Somehow, I find myself again, having committed to a task that is much larger than I. My inadequacy astounds me and I wonder aloud to myself, "How could I possibly think that I have anything to offer a class that seeks to know God's Word, hence, God Himself better?" "Leader? Teacher? Me? Absolutely Not!"

In the past few weeks I have amassed a rather long list of reasons why I should not carry through with this commitment. Each item, in and of itself, is grounds enough to gracefully bow out. The weightiest is that I am just an ordinary woman. Ordinary in the sense that I have no impressive credentials. I am not immune to the difficulties that life throws at us. I must work at my marriage, just like you. My children disappoint me, I struggle with rocky relationships, I have to work like a dog to be a good steward of the things and money God has entrusted to me. I long to trust God, yet desire to be in complete control. Simply put, I fail.

As I record this list of reasons why I should not lead, my heart resounds with the memories of God's Boundless Faithfulness in each of those episodes of my life. He restored passion to my marriage and we have celebrated 26 years together. My children make mistakes (big ones) but their contrite response to God's conviction redeems the time they spent separated from God. In fact, My Merciful Father reminds me that their sin is against Him, not me. God has ministered to me in every, and I mean all, situations. Some were consequences of my own sin, some I have no idea why I needed to experience those tortuous hours.

So, having been reminded once again of God's Unfailing Perfection, I remember why I have made the commitment to lead. I want to give testimony to God. It is not about me. It is about Him.

RGF's

Really Good Friends. I am sincerely awed by my RGF's. Do you have any RGF's? They are the people that know your deepest, darkest, ugliest secrets and still come over, look you in the eye, and convey (with or without words) their love and devotion to you. And I mean godly love and devotion. The kind that encourages you to seek God's answer to your heartbreaking isssue and, in fact, will also search for God's Best for you.

Maybe a better question might be "Are you anybody's RGF?"

It's uncomfortable and a little risky to show up at someone's home when you know they are hurting and you need to be willing to talk, or simply listen, about the rough stuff. But, that is when most of us need an RGF, when we are unable to step outside the confines of our home and seek the comfort and encouragement we need.

You see, when we are hurting our imaginations tend get out of control. We envision what we believe others must think of us. And it usually isn't good. So, be an RGF and take the guessing out of your friend's heart and let them know (without a shadow of a doubt) the depth of your love.

Why Wait?

That has been my question... Why must I wait for the hard times to be past and for the healing to begin in some relationships that are important. I was reminded today just how faithful the LORD God really is and why He makes us wait.

"And therefore will the LORD wait, that he may be gracious to you, and therefore will he be exalted, that he may have mercy upon you: for the LORD is a God of judgment: blessed are all they that wait for him." Isaiah 30:18

So true. If in my muck I feel like I have done what I can and the circumstances appear to have been changed in my favor, I would think that I had manipulated my own destiny. However, when I am faithful to do the right thing in the midst of the most difficult times and nothing appears to be changing, then I am more likely to realize that it is God who absolutely holds my future. This also tests my character. Am I doing the right thing because it is right or because I want good things to come to me?

Let me say, loud and clear, that our God Is Gracious. We have experienced the beginning stages of healing in our home. We are thankful for a Righteous God, Our Shield, Our Defender, a God of Mercy and Grace.

Grief

Why must we experience grief?
It seems it must have been long enough.
How can I last much longer?
Could there possibly be more?
How long, Father?

When you trust Me absolutely
with an unwavering faith
then, and only then,
will it be long enough.

What is in a Name?

I have a theory. See if you agree. I think I have come to the conclusion that the only thing we actually possess is our name. Our reputation. What do you think?

I looked up the definition, and according to Merriam Webster to possess something means

1 a: to have and hold as property : own b: to have as an attribute, knowledge, or skill2 a: to take into one's possession b: 1 b: to enter into and control firmly : dominate c: to bring or cause to fall under the influence.

Most of us believe that we possess our car, house or clothing. When, in fact, we own them. We have the legal right to use them to our liking. However, if we look at the above definition, to possess means to control firmly. I can tell you right now that even though I have the legal right to drive my car, I absolutely do not control everything about it. My auto continues to experience the adverse effects of the weather, bad roads and other people's car doors and bumpers. My home is difficult to maintain. I hold it as property, it is my homestead, no one can take it from me; but, I control nothing about it. It costs a fortune to manage. I cannot, no matter how hard I try, retain it's pristine state as a new home.

Now, that brings me to my name. I have complete control of my reputation. I propose that my reputation is the only thing that I can fully bring under my influence. My character walks boldy before me as I enter into relationships and lingers long after I am gone. My name will remind others I interacted with long ago of my overall qualities whether they are fair and wise or lacking in goodness and kindness. If I have been foolish this attribute will haunt me long after I have learned that lesson. A reputation of deceit and dishonesty stay and stay and stay.

No wonder the wisest man who ever lived said this:

"A good name is better than fine perfume..." Eccl 7:1

Boy, was he right!

Indescribable

I think most of the time I amble through my life oblivious of God's mercy. As you can tell, if you have read many of my posts, my life (in my opinion) is rather blissful. I know that my circumstances are a direct result of God's lovingkindness, faithfulness, and care for me, my children and extended family and I am genuinely thankful. I am at least grateful for the small part of that truth that I comprehend. Every now and then, fortunately, God chooses to illuminate me by revealing His holy attributes.

Last week was an interminable week. Each day longer than the one before it. Disappointment and grief were found at every turn. God's Word was the only place to find hope. Here is where I spent my days:

Luke 11:5-8 Then he said to them, "Suppose one of you has a friend, and he goes to him at midnight and says, 'Friend, lend me three loaves of bread, because a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have nothing to set before him.' "Then the one inside answers, 'Don't bother me. The door is already locked, and my children are with me in bed. I can't get up and give you anything.' I tell you, though he will not get up and give him the bread because he is his friend, yet because of the man's boldness he will get up and give him as much as he needs.

I literally knocked incessantly at God's door and asked for underserved mercy. The truth of the matter is we deserve judgment and consequences from our Holy God, yet I was emboldened by my LORD to persistently ask for what I felt I needed. Our future is in His hands and I truly came to the point that I would choose to be thankful for whatever future God chose for us, But I relentlessly cried out for underserved mercy, And that is what He gave...mercy.

Our ordeal isn't over, but, God's precepts will carry us through. We will praise His name forever to all the earth, "The Lord is Good and His Mercy endures forever!"

Thank you, Lord, for your Indescribable Mercy!

Psalm 86:12-13 "I will praise thee, O Lord my God, with all my heart: and I will glorify thy name for evermore. For great is thy mercy toward me: and thou hast delivered my soul from the lowest hell."

Making the Bed

The other day husband and I were making our new bed together. I kept having to point out wrinkles that he had on his side that he was willing to just cover over with the comforter.

"You've got a wrinkle." I declared.
"Where?" husband asked.
"Right there!" I stated incredulously.
"It's small, no one will even see it under this huge comforter." husband acknowledged.

"Look, if we don't straighten every wrinkle every day, eventually the bed will be a mess, even if it is under the comforter. I will not be able to sleep in an untidy bed. "

It's true. I detest getting into an unmade bed. So, even if I have missed making my bed for the day (usually on Sundays), I will usually neaten up the covers so I can climb in. Sometimes husband will even go in to the bedroom before me at night and make the bed for me. I believe there is a deep theological truth to be found, here, in my eccentricities.

If we let even the smallest of sin go unconfessed and continue to cover it up, basically ingnoring our failures to God, it will eventually mess up our whole life. We will become undone. Thankfully, all we need to do is strip the bed(confess our sin with a repentent heart), wash the sheets, and remake the bed (start anew with an unbroken relationship with the Lord). Now... I can rest!

Free Time

Boy! My life truly is different than it was just a mere five years ago. That realization struck me between the eyes today as I was discussing with some peers about our freetime vs. the time we spend on responsibilities. Basically, we were all given a piece of paper with a circle on it. Our task was to divide the "pie" into three catagories: 1. time spent doing responsibilities 2. time spent planning or thinking about my responsibilities 3. free time.

Five years ago all four of my children lived at home. This fact may explain fully to some of you (at least those of you who are moms) that only the time that I slept was free from fulfilling my duties.

Today, and even I have a difficult time believing this, I think my circle is completely consumed with free time. I know, I know "what about the laundry?" you ask. Well, I have considered that and a few other things I still do for my family and here is my answer:

My children are 24, 23, 18, & 16. Two of them do not even live in my house any longer, 18 and 16 can do their own laundry. Sometimes I still do the laundry for them, as a courtesy, but I only do it if I have the "free" time to do it and I want to.

The same thing applies to cooking. Most of the time no one shows up for dinner anymore. Except maybe husband, then, I "freely" choose to cook a healthy, tasty dinner for us and anyone else who may want to join us.

Cleaning house: I enjoy a neat home, it is usually neat, not necessarily clean. When I want to, I clean. My friends can tell you, I don't clean often enough.

I watch my grandchildren regularly and those times you might say are a duty. No, I will argue, I gladly, "freely" spend the day with them.

Now, soon enough, I will have responsibilities for ministry events at the church we joined a few months back. People will be depending on me to do my best at carrying out those duties. However, I would even argue that I will do those things because I have the freedom and passionate desire to see these events succeed. These activities have the potential to change people's lives, give them hope for a future. Sometimes the planning and execution is time consuming and difficult, but for me it is Life! I have missed the busyness and challenge of preparing for these events. I am ready to jump back in.

Now that I think of it the days (five years ago) where I washed clothes incessantly, cooked continuously (three squares a day), drove ceaselessly to the unrelenting schedules of practices and games for all the children (did I tell you husband travelled ALL THE TIME back then?), organized and led a ministry, and taught a Bible class three times a week might be put in my free time category.

Crazy, huh? But that life is what I "freely" chose. My free time spent investing in our family and what I believed to be the best for them. And I can honestly say I would gladly choose it all over again.

History

On June 2, 2007, history was made in our home. We bought a bed. I know you think that purchasing furniture couldn't really be that big of a deal, but, we rarely buy furniture where you go to a store, pick out what you like, write a check and have it delivered. I usually collect furniture. I might see someone I know getting rid of something I have always liked and so I ask if they would consider selling it to me. Or possibly at a garage sale I will see something that strikes my fancy and I simply must have it. I admit I have a chair "thing" and cannot turn myself away from a classic. Our home is full of furniture like that. So, when husband strongly suggested that he would really, really like to have a new bed, and not just any bed, a king size, fabulously gorgeous bed, I was almost offended. After all, I bought the bed we had been sleeping in (not the mattress and box springs, only the furniture part of the bed) for $10 the week before we were married from a co-worker's sister-in-law's neighbor. It is a beautiful, french antique, of which I am extremely fond. Thus begins the saga...

"OK, OK", I said, "let's go." We found a reasonably priced (high priority for me), splendid, king size bed that we both loved. Husband picked out the new mattress and box springs and all were to be delivered in 10 days.

We looked around the house and husband declared, "We cannot possibly put that beautiful bed on that ratty carpet!"

It was true, the carpet has been there longer than I know and was beyond repair in many areas, so, we marched down to the carpet store and ordered carpet. We purchased carpet not just for our bedroom, but for 16's bedroom and the office, niether of which had had new flooring since we have been in this home. It will be installed in 10 days and we must pack away all breakables and electronics. Thus begins the purging...

We cleaned out the closet in the office and the two desks which contained more paper than the redwood forest could have produced. I bought file boxes and filed away paper we should keep close and documents that could be kept in the attic. I organized and sterilized until I was paralyzed. Who knew a small home office could hold so much? We bought a shredder and labored over it until it was smoking. Old checks, warranties for items we no longer have, and even hospital bills for illnesses we forgot we had endured are all in the tiniest of pieces filling three large bags.

"When the men move out the big desk in the office, don't put it back, I don't want it any more!" husband asserted.

"Where will you sit and work? What will we do with our stuff that the desk holds?" I asked.

"We will figure something out, maybe just a table." Thus begins the shifting...

Since 16's room will be empty for the installation of the carpet we decided we should paint. 16's room had been 18's room a few years back. 18 had painted it "Home Depot" orange. We had all grown weary of it and this was a good chance to change the walls without worrying about spills. If we change the paint we must change the decor, nothing she has goes with her new color (she chose a nice color of green). So, we emptied her room and thus began the transformation...

16 needed new bedding and now new storage since husband will take her small desk to use in the office. I found a sturdy, handsome antique armoire that will complement her antique sleigh bed. We will use it for an entertainment center and extra storage. We will move her small chest into her closet. Those are good plans for her room.

The carpet was installed, the bed was delivered and now I can finally begin putting my house back in order. As I have hinted in previous paragraphs in this post, EVERY SINGLE ROOM IN MY HOUSE IS A MESS! Our old bed was moved to 18's room, 18's bed was moved to 16's room, 16's small desk was moved to the office.

For the master bedroom I had to buy new bedding, new linens, even new pillows so we now have KING size everything. I couldn't put our old nightstands by our new, splendid bed so the old nightstands were moved to the dining room (for a sale in the near future). They sat next to the huge desk. Thus begins the shopping...

I shopped for nightstands, and found some, hence I needed new lamps for them. Found those. My bedroom now looks pretty good, except for the art work. I have plenty, I will just move things around. I took every picture down in every room in my house and brought them to the master suite. Finally had a friend help me with that and now the art work looks pretty great! Uh Oh, the master bath doesn't match any more!! I shopped for curtains, towels, rugs, and soap. Now it matches fairly well.

Who knew that buying one piece of furniture could cause such chaos? It has taken literally three weeks for me to get my house back in order. And if I really wanted to be honest with myself there are a few more things I would really like to get to finish out "the look". They will have to wait. I need to buy groceries this week! (I just hate it when I have to spend my grocery money on groceries!)

Soul Food

Have you ever really needed a break from the difficult day to day drudgery you must endure? Have you ever just wanted to get away and simply do things that you rarely get to do? Selfish things like spend days with friends who genuinely care about you, or walk lazily along a street lined with quaint shops that entice you to come in and browse. Have you ever wanted to experience novel things like harvest lavender and bring a bouquet home to release it's gentle aroma in your bedroom? Maybe you have wanted to pick perfectly ripe peaches to make a fantastic homemade dessert and just never took the time.

These are just a few of the things I experienced with my girlfriends this weekend. Let me just add a few more things to the list:

*soaked in the hot tub at the hotel until we were beeeeet red.
*sang hymns at the top of our lungs.
*ate snacks until I thought I would explode.
*bought fabulously charming old furniture.
*shared our hearts.

At dinner one evening I asked each friend to describe the weekend in just two words. Here are their words and it really sums up the entire trip. I can add no more.

Restful, easy, soul food, happy heart, desperately needed, refreshing, fun, new experiences.

Hooray for the GRT (Girl's Road Trip) I couldn't ask for more.

PS Whose pillow do I have?

Mosquitoes!

Today my sister-in-law and I were going to take our regular walk of 3 or 4 miles to retain our svelte figures. We routinely meet at the local park and briskly walk for about an hour. I would like to share with you that I go and exercise because it is good for me, but, alas, I would be fibbing. I am there for the conversation, any healthy benefits are just a perk.

We began our usual conversation, catching up on the news since the last time we marched ourselves around the park. Then we looked down at our legs and arms and they were literally covered with mosquitoes. I slapped all the black dots I could see and swatted at places on myself I couldn't see, then as I turned and looked behind me there was a swarm coming our way. We left the park and went hastily to walk in my neighborhood. I was sure we would be safe there.

We parked our cars, retied our shoes, and began our meager effort at physical fitness. We picked up where our dialogue had been cut short. Then, as we walked beside some freshly cut grass there, too, was a cloud of mosquitoes chasing us and desiring to have us for breakfast. We took a quick u-turn and headed back to the house at a pace neither of us has attempted for a few years. Maybe the swiftness of our walk will make up for the shortness of it. We are going to try again, but, next time we will spray ourselves with repellent before we leave the house.

As I thought about that itchy experience I began to consider how similar this life is to my mosquito filled walk this morning. My desire to be above reproach, a woman of integrity, untouched by the sin in this world is nearly an impossible task. I get bitten, I am affected by the"Mosquitoes" that nip at me and that is discouraging. Some days it feels as if I couldn't possibly get through the day without numerous big, red, itchy spots all over me. I need repellent so I will not be eaten! I need the Word. Somehow (and I am so thankful) the Word of God meets me right where I am. It protects my heart. It soothes my soul. It heals my hurts. It invigorates me.

Thank you Lord for your Word that is Perfect for me in my mosquito filled world.

A Rough Week

Psalm 25:16 -22 Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you. Redeem Israel, O God, from all their troubles!

Psalm 31:19-24 How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you. In the shelter of your presence you hide them from the intrigues of men; in your dwelling you keep them safe from the strife of tongues. Praise be to the LORD, for he showed his wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city. In my alarm I said, "I am cut off from your sight!" Yet you heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help. Love the LORD, all his saints! The LORD preserves the faithful... Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.

Graduation

Twelve hours until the big event. 18 will walk across the stage with her high school graduating class and receive the first significant award she will earn in her lifetime. Up to now, in her short existence, this is the most important day she has experienced. There have been times she will remember as more fun, but this day, in truth, ushers in her life as an adult.

Her family(parents, grandparents, and siblings) will expect more from her. She has been allowed the freedom to make some mistakes under the umbrella of protection of her parents. We, in essence, have covered her financially, emotionally, and physically. Now, she will be solely responsible for own decisions and the consequences that will follow, whether positive or negative. Our desire for her is that she will seek wise counsel before making any weighty choices. I believe she will. We are available and always ready (sometimes too ready) to give advice that we consider prudent. Part of our growing up as parents will be to wait to give our opinions until asked.

As I ironed her gown I realized that this day arrives so much sooner than we can anticipate. As parents, husband and I have done all we can to prepare her for her adult life, but there will be some things she must learn and decide on her own. What career will she pursue? What man will she love? Will she serve the LORD God or her own self made god? These things I will offer up in prayer to my Hope in Christ.

Lord, protect 18's heart and mind. Call her to You. Let her be satisfied with nothing less than You.

Frozen

OK, OK, I'll finally say it out loud, my shoulder hurts and it simply doesn't work. It is frozen! Have you ever heard of such a thing? I hadn't before about a month ago.

Dr. - "Well, it seems your shoulder is frozen."
Me - "What do you mean frozen?"
Dr. - "Frozen, as in won't move at all."
Me - "You've got to be kidding."
Dr. - " Do I look like I'm kidding?"

Believe me, this doc has something frozen and it's not his shoulder. He wasn't kidding. So the past few weeks I have spent much time (2-3 hours a day) doing physical therapy, 3 times a week at the clinic where an exceptionally nice therapist moves my arm and shoulder to locations that feel as if they are out of this universe. Therapy is time consuming and painful. This morning I was discussing (with myself) the possibility of just being satisfied with one arm that is fully functioning and the other that I can use as long as I don't try to raise it too high. Most people won't even notice that I reach with only one arm, that washing and drying my hair is a gymnastic feat, and hugging my dearest loved ones causes a grimace. I think I can do it!

My tearful prayer this morning was a plea to God to "melt" my shoulder.

"I need it!" I prayed with an exclamation point. "I don't want to just appear to be well, I want to be healthy, able bodied, fit as a fiddle."

I soon realized that I am more concerned with my physical health than my spiritual fitness. I appear to others to be spiritually fit, yet, I know that I hold back parts of me that God still wants to soften and mold so that I will not merely appear to be spiritually hale, but truly biblically strong throughout my entire being.

Have your physical limitations and neediness revealed to you your need for spiritual healing and awakening? What is frozen in you?

What Now?

It's been over a week since "the event"(Let Me Be Brief) and I have had plenty of time to process my thoughts and emotions. Wow, what an array of attitudes have crossed my mind! I have gone from extreme anger (and I mean extreme), to pity(for myself, of course), to just a complete loss of knowing what to do next.

Husband and I want what is best for 18 and for the family as a whole. She should experience some acute consequences. I believe they should be natural consequences, not neccesarily conjured up by me. Do you know what I mean? For instance, in the present, she is having to be driven everywhere from school to work to the movies. Wherever she goes she must be taken, like a pre-teen. No one wants to allow her to drive their car yet. In the near future the consequences are less about convenience and pride and more about finances. She will be required to buy or replace her car and carry comprehensive insurance. It will be quite a burden for her. An onus we deliberately worked hard for her not to carry while she was in college.

Therein lies the root of my self pity. We planned and saved and paid off cars in order to give them to our children so they would have a smaller insurance bill and no car payments. They have only been required to pay for their gas and incidentals, and now, that opportunity has been shattered by recklessness. That is what really tests me!

Don't you know that is how God feels about me? God sacrificed for my redemption and freedom and I continually live inattentively and ruin my chance at life without harsh consequences. What is wrong with me!?! He continues to give me chance after chance and I wreck it.

The questions I have about what is right parenting in this situation will be answered by how God parents me. Since I have continuously disappointed Him, yea, even made Him angry with my carelessness in regard to the details in my life, I will do the same with 18. She will have consequences, she will be forgiven, she will be loved. No grudges, no bitterness.

Let Me Be Brief

Fixed husband's car. (refer to Dead as a Doornail)
Picked it up Thursday p.m.
18 wrecked it Sunday.

That is all.

Extraordinary Friends

I guess I really haven't realized how fortunate I am. Sometimes, ok most of the time, I take so many things for granted. Today I recognize the unusual blessing of good girlfriends. The type of friends you can drop in on. The kind of friends who genuinely desire to just sit with you and visit about the mundane episodes of life. The sort that put everything else on their calendar aside to be with me. I don't just have one friend like that, nor do I have two. If I were to actually put a number to it I think that my number of really good friends is more than I could count on two hands!! Granted, I don't see all of them regularly, but at any given moment, I could depend on any of them to drop everything to meet me at any given time.

Yesterday I supped with some of my best friends. Seven of us meet regularly to celebrate birthdays and yesterday was such an occasion. The times we spend together are extraordinary. We simply share our ordinary lives.

Isn't that interesting? Amazing relationships are grown out of normal people expressing to others their unembellished selves. I think most of us believe extraordinary relationships are born from spectacular events with others. When in reality all we want is for someone to know who we actually are, with no pretense, and still want to spend time with us.

We don't ask a lot of each other in terms of time. I don't want my friends to put me above the needs of their husband and children. I just want to know that if I really needed them they would drop everything and run to me. And I do know that. I also know that occasionally, just for the fun of it, they will set aside all their other responsibilities and simply spend some time cultivating an extraordinary relationship by doing ordinary things with me.

Thank you, friends.

Church Home

Do you have a church home? Those very words "church home" evoke a sentimental warmness in me. Church: a place to worship, learn, fellowship, serve. Home: a place to retreat to safety and significance. (Don't try to find these definitions in a dictionary. They are my own characterization.) Put those two together and your church home could be the ideal place to find yourself a few days a week.

Yesterday morning as I was preparing physically and mentally to go to my church home, I was overwhelmed by a sense of sadness for many of my friends and family who don't have a church home right now. I know exactly how they feel, like a nomad wandering about, looking for good pasture for your sheep. The task is daunting because what we seek is all the positive we had at our old church, then we add to that list, the improvements we thought needed to be made so that it would have been "my own perfect church home". Our kids need to enjoy going, we need to like the music, and the preacher better be biblical, interesting, challenging, and caring. Are the members friendly? Do they have too much debt? How long does it take me to get there? My list went on and on and on. All of these things are so important, but, can any church meet all this criteria?

My prayer for all of you who have no church home is that you will continue looking no matter how frustrating it may be. And, in your search, simply seek the LORD. We know that no man (church) will ever meet our wants and needs fully, only the Father can. He can call you to worship, teach you, give you a spot to serve, and provide significance and security to your soul, all in a place that is not ideal and never will be. Churches are not perfect but the Father is.

Parenting

Let me just face the facts, some weeks I come to the stark reality that my attempts at parenting are feeble. Some days the "world" seems too large of an adversary for me to have more of an influence on my children than society does. Especially as they become adults, where does my line of authority end? How, because I love them and want what is best for them, do I continue to mentor them? How much do I say? How little should I share with them in tense situations? My biggest question today is "When will these relationships cease to cause me frustration and pain?" We all know the answer to that question is never, I just needed to express to the world my sad little sentiment.

The times I feel the most disappointed in how they act is when I see how harsh and judgemental they are of others. I notice when they are bereft of patience and kindness with their siblings and when they look for perfection in people who couldn't possibly give them a faultless performance. What I have observed is that I am disappointed when, uhohhhh, they act like me. I am the "society" that has held sway over them the most. OH, NO!! When I began this note today this was not what I believed the conclusion would be. I was prepared to tell you that all my efforts have been countered by a debased society, but I have negotiated this subject and discovered that I have been weighed and have been found wanting.

Lord, let me give all of me to you. Please, allow my children to escape the consequences of my feeble attempts at parenting. You, Lord, parent them. Forgive me.

I'm In

Count me in. I've joined. I'm in for the long haul. You can count on me. "Count on you for what?", you may ask. To serve the body of believers and the community at the church we joined this weekend.

I must admit that this was a difficult decision for our family, Husband, 18, 16, and me. We have a lot of history at our old church. And, even though there was no doubt that it was right to leave it, we long for the old days. But, today, we will put all that behind us and press on here. We will jump in with both feet and completely immerse ourselves in the "new" ministry. Actually, the ministry is not new at all even though it may take on new forms. The basic ministry we know that is important is sharing, with the world, what has changed our lives, fulfilled us, given us hope and a future (for eternity). The reality is that these people at our new church are basically strangers and here I am committing myself to a life work with them. Does that make sense?

Some questions that address that very issue were posed to me a few days ago and I have pondered them and included them here because I think that you, too, should consider your answers. Here are those questions and my reply.

Questions: Can I love God passionately and his people at arms length? Do I have to open up to these strangers to really love them? Does honesty equal transparency? Is transparency really a virtue or a weakness?

Reply: The answers are not easy to say aloud because I think true ministry is a result of honestly sharing ourselves with others to the point that they can see what we are passionate about. If others cannot see who we really are, we cannot share our passion, nor maybe even acknowledge our passion to ourselves.

I began to inquire of myself this past week if I really needed to live a life more than that of obscurity or mediocrity. Why not? Why not just be faithful to my husband, children, grandchildren, etc? Could that be so wrong? And then I heard “AWAKE TO RIGHTEOUSNESS!” This life I live is not about me and my comfort zone, it is about me living a life of thrilling abundance (life on the edge) so that “others may know that He is the LORD God and there is no other!” (1Kings 8:59-60)

I was reminded that I owe that to Him, He is my Redeemer. To God be the glory! I should give Him my all.

Expectation

I am spending the weekend with some new friends. Usually I anticipate new experiences with great expectation and joy. I love new and different. But, for some reason, today I am hesitant. Tenative, not because the new experience is dreaded, but, because in my heart somewhere I think I may need a rest from all the change that has taken place over the last year. Lots of new events are occurring in my life, all good. New friends, new church, well, new "everything" as far as relationships go (other than my immediate family). New goals, new expectations. I think what may make me hesitate to want these changes is not that they aren't better for me, it's just that I really liked my old "everything".

I still have those old relationships and friends, they are different, though, because we don't have our regular routine anymore. We are trying to figure out how to have them in a different context. We don't study much together any longer or discuss what we are learning as often anymore. These times are becoming fewer and farther between and that is truly sad.

I want to want to move on. I desire to have what is the absolute best for me. I need reviving. That is what I will anticipate for this weekend, renewal, regeneration, rejuvenation, replenishing. That is what I am asking for, Lord, new revelation of You.

Dead as a Doornail

Where did that expression come from? Maybe because you are supposed to hit the doornail again and again on the head and it's no worse off than when you began the beating? Oh well, I digress. What is dead is not our doornail (what is a doornail, anyway?), it is Husband's car. Yep! That's right, 18 killed the car. "Now what?" you may ask. Are we angry with 18? Will we make her pay? Will we hold it over her head until we feel better? No, none of the above.

She asked the same question when she discovered the car was deceased.

"Are you mad at me?"
"No", I answered slowly, trying to figure out exactly how I felt at the moment.
"What are you going to do?" 18 asked me, because, of course, Husband is out of town.
"Well, honey, I guess we are all just going to..." searching for words...
"We are all just going to pay for the consequences of my mistake!!!" 18 interjected.

No truer words have been spoken by such a young soul. The reality of poor choices is that they are not made in a vacuum. Our decisions, good or bad, effect everyone around us. The decision to take Husband's car last week will be an expensive one. We must replace it, it is a necessity. Every month will be financially leaner for Husband and I because we will have a car payment we did not expect. We will still have college bills, groceries to buy, mortgage etc. In essence less money for the fun stuff.

You may think this was an awful event in the life of our family. I am not so sure I agree. If my 18 year old can see the truth about sin and the dire consequences of it, and use that knowledge in the future to avoid a worse mistake, then I welcome the cost. After all, my sin has been paid for, and not by me!

The Return

I am so tired I can hardly think about what I want to share tonight because we have just returned, but, I feel I must record a few of these emotions I have welled up inside. The first is how very thankful I am to have been to such a fabulous place as Paris, France. The Eiffel Tower was spectacular! Not to mention the Arch de Triomphe, Louvre, Orsay, Invalides, Sacre Cour, Versailles, etc. Each one held it's own beauty and charisma. Nevertheless, what I am clinging to in my heart and pondering with great affection are the precious moments Husband and I spent with 18 and 15 (almost 16). Eating crepes with Nutella (chocolate paste) for breakfast, afternoon snack and late night snack. All four of us talking on our bed till late about the days events. 18 drilling 15 about what she learned that day. Trying to order our meals in French and absolutely butchering that beautiful language. Eating french fries every day! Hearing them say "WOW" when they first glimpsed the grandness of the Arch de Triomphe. Riding miles and miles and miles on the Metro and trying to find a place for all four of us to sit together in rush hour just to find a dress for 18 to wear to her prom. Watching them stare at a sculpture in the Louvre with awe and wonder.

Paris was brilliant, but the snapshots that are emblazoned on my heart and soul and that I hold dear are of my girls and the relationships we sealed this week. xxooxx I love you.

Incredible

That's what I call my life somedays, simply incredible. Today, 15, 17, and I will be leaving for Paris. France, that is. We will be meeting Husband there to holiday together. (He has been in Singapore on a business trip.) We are vacationing in Gay Paree!! Oh, my goodness! How does someone like me get to do something as fabulous as spending spring break around the world? Oh, well, I am not going to look for answers today, I am simply going to prepare to have a grand time with 15 and 17.

This could be a challenge. 15 and 17 don't always have fun together. They are as different as night and day. One is quiet the other is talkative. One is an optimist, the other a pessimist. One an overpacker, one an underpacker. Dark, light. Alarmist, calm. Impatient, patient. Brash, gentle. Could they possibly be more different. I don't think so. But, this is what gives life it's color. Who wants a gray world? I don't. I admit, I could do without some of the more difficult challenges my children cause me to face, but, in reality would the good times be as precious without having experienced the thornier days?

I have delayed this extravagant vacation with children because I have feared I might not have a good time with them.They probably will not appreciate me and all the effort I have to put forth in order for this trip to take place. The money, the time to plan each day, the jet lag, the relationships, the everything. But, today, I believe it will all be worth it. They are excited to go and looking forward to every moment. I will genuinely take pleasure in merely watching them experience Paris, from packing to returning home. I will hold every moment captive because we will probably never get to experience this with them again.

Thank you Lord for your gracious generosity. Thank you for my children. Thank you for Husband.

Stranded

The phone was ringing. I answered. "MOM, Why didn't you tell me I couldn't drive Dad's car!!!?!" "Who is this and why are you yelling at me?" is all I could think. After a few moments of loud interrogation I finally determined who she was (17), where she was, and proceeded to rescue her and her two friends. The three of them had decided to go shopping in a town that was thirty miles away, in traffic, without a map and had wandered lost for a while. Husband's car had been having a little trouble with overheating lately and we had parked it until he could return from a business trip and take it to the mechanic. The car was in bad shape. Now what do I do? Why do I always have to deal with these things myself when husband is out of town? I hate this part of mothering and wifing!!

17, who incidentally will turn 18 in five days, was stranded, and it was all my fault. NOT!! 17 has a habit of blaming others for her poor decisions or problems. Nothing, I repeat, nothing is ever her fault. If she is unhappy, frustrated, experiencing anything unpleasant, it must be someone else's fault! Now, we all know that at some point each of us must take responsiblity for ourselves. You know, not be a victim, simply decide to do something that will address the reasons for our negative feelings and circumstances. My only question is how can I get 17 to do that, too? I have made every effort to reveal this unconstructive trait to her. Realistically, this process started five years ago in junior high when she began to have a little freedom going places with the youth group.

She called back to see how close I was.
"I am at least 20 minutes away" I answered. "17," I said.
"Yes, Mom?"
" I need to say something to you, and I don't think you are going to like it."
"What?"
"You know what we talked about the other day? That difficulty you have?"
"You mean the one where I blame you for all my problems?"
"Yes, that one," I said with a little hope, "Do you think you did that here?"
"Did I do that?" 17 asked with hesitation.
"Well, did I know that you were going to drive dad's car?" I asked hoping she would see where this was going.
"No, I just jumped in it and left."
"Did I know how far away you were going to shop?"
"No," She answered, "And mom?"
"Yes?"
"I knew it was having a problem overheating, I'm sorry, this is all my fault. We're stuck and the car is in terrible shape and it is my fault. " She freely admitted.

Woo Hoo (is that how you spell that?) I still had to point it out, but, the process this time was a little less painful and quicker than usual. I actually have hope that next time I may not even be accused of sabotaging her plans (well I wouldn't really go that far, but I am an optimist).

Isn't this what God wants of us? Admit we are the problem, He will rescue us. Please Lord, let me be quicker to admit my faults and responsibility in causing most of my own predicaments. In short, Lord, save me from myself.

What Delights You?

"What delights you?" Merriam Webster defines delight as "a high degree of gratification : joy; also : extreme satisfaction".

That question was posed to me recently and I must confess my answer didn't come as quickly as I had wished. I even began to wonder if I delighted in anything! My thoughts became bogged down in the definition and implication that delight invokes involuntary joy. So, in what things do I involuntarily find "extreme satisfaction". What ensued was a day of examining things I have and people with whom I interact. As I scrutinized these things and relationships I realized that it takes a great deal of work just to keep them functioning. And, if everything in my life takes so much effort to make it bearable, is there really any joy in that? Is there any delight in that? Here is the list I came up with and the grade I gave it according to the "extreme satisfaction" it gives me. (1= no satisfaction, 5= extreme satisfaction)

House 1 (But, when I work to improve it, clean it, or plant new flowers and it becomes beautiful that "satisfies" me,) new score 3

Car 1 (It is a really nice car, but, it gets dirty, dinged, and costs a lot of money to keep it running. The only satifaction is if I maintain it well and get to the places I want to go when I want to get there) new score 3

Friends 3 (I have many acquaintances and friends and we enjoy a lot of laughter. Some of us get together quite often to celebrate in many ways. But, having close friends is a lot of work. It takes great deal of effort to plan times for us to get together and there are times when we must work through hurt feelings, disappointments, expectations.) new score (for the friends that have been the most work) 5

Marriage 3 (This relationship of almost 26 years is one of the most difficult to preserve. When I have ignored it I have detested it, when I have worked the hardest it has genuinely delighted me) new score 5

Children 2 (This may seem like an extremely low score to you, but, you should have been here in the really disappointing times. I toiled emotionally, physically, and mentally and still found that I came up short in rearing them. However, when I really got serious about spiritually educating myself about parenting, God worked miracles and let me take part.) new score 5

God 5 (This score starts out high because I realize His mercy is the only thing I have in this relationship. When I make any effort to seek Him, please Him, obey Him, the satisfaction scale goes out of this world, literally!) new score 99999999999999999999999999

Well, my first impression of the meaning of delight was to simply look around and see if anything made me smile. But, what I think I have discovered is that delight is found in experiencing the consequences of working hard and doing the right things, especially in my relationships. This was quite a lesson for me. Rarely is anything the way it may first appear. The things that you think will please you, like nice houses and cars, nice clothes and stuff in general, may give you a sense of well being for a short time, but they scored low on my pleasure scale. The things that I feel that cause me the most pain and work, like friends, marriage, kids are what really give me the fulfillment I desire. This was an eye-opener for me. It encourages me to do what I know is right and continue to work for healthy, more intimate relationships.

I'm Only Human

Yes, once again I have been reminded of my human frailties. Once more I have seen the stark reality that my very existence is held in the hands of a Sovereign God. I can make a valiant effort and try to deceive myself and ignore this fact on most days, but, every now and then God takes pity on me and reminds me that He is undeniably in command of every moment of my survival. I could not will the illness away, as much as I tried, it continued until my infirmed body could take no more and needed what I could not do alone, iv fluids from the er.

When faced with insurmountable and overwhelming events in life most people ask the question "Why me?" or "How can God allow this bad stuff to happen to me?". But, I discover that the more profound question I find in my soul that I need answered is, "Why have You excused me from being sick every day?", or "Why have You chosen to give me anything good when I give You so little?"

I was very ill this weekend and was unable to care for myself, even my most fundamental needs. Husband stepped into the role as nurse and was amazing. He washed me, carried me, nursed me, steadied me. Even in my wretched filthiness he loved and me cared for me. I am astonished at his actions of affections for me.

What a picture!! It is the very depiction of how Jesus takes us in our filthy state of sinfulness while we cannot clean ourselves and washes us clean with His own Goodness and Love. He then carries me, nurses me, steadies me and then walks with me for eternity. I have no words to express my graditude for this undeserved healing, therefore, I must communicate my indebtedness by my actions. Also, I want to tell everyone who is still sick who can heal them! Jesus can!! Jesus will!! Every breath we have is another moment to realize the truth about a Redeemer who heals for eternity. Thank you, Jesus, for Your Loving Care.

Awake To Righteousness

I didn't even know that I was dozing! I read that verse and I knew exactly what I should do. Wake up to what is excellent!! Pay attention to what I am doing and how it affects others!! Quit being apathetic to what is best for me and all those around me. That would include husband, children, friends, and even those who simply see me responding to this world.

In every situation there is a wrong, not so wrong, and best response. I think that most times I apathetically choose what is "not so wrong". That surely couldn't hurt anything, could it? Well, I guess I might have to argue with myself at this point. Yes, apathy hurts, and ultimately numbs us to making any good (and by good I mean absence of evil, pure) decisions. I desire, yes and even expect, my children to make the very best choices each day in every situation they face. Why do I settle for less in myself? It only leads to experiencing a mediocre life, and that is not good enough! I simply must "Awake to Righteousness" and then I can expect an extraordinary existence.

Lord, open my eyes to what is righteous. Wake me, rouse me, stir me to Your excellent way.

Miracles Still Happen

Have you ever seen a real live miracle? I mean right before your very eyes. Did you try to explain it away? How did you respond?

Well, I will tell you that today, I saw a miracle. One of my good friends has a really dangerous bacterial infection and is fighting it with "Big Gun" drugs. Today she did not feel well when I saw her this morning. In fact, it appeared the enemy (illness) was going to have it's way with her today. Not in my house! Or, I should say, not in my Father's house! Six of us gathered around her and touched her with our hands so that she could feel our hearts and souls as we pleaded with our Heavenly Father to protect her physical body today. Do you know that He immediately answered our prayer. The seven of us went on to eat, talk, play, and share our day together and, as usual, she was in the middle of the mix, and she was great company.

I admit several of us tried to excuse the result of our prayers. We said "maybe the cold, dry weather this morning simply caused her to have a raspy, dry throat and cough. Maybe she really didn't feel as bad as she (or we) thought." No, that is not the case. Must I remind myself that we should not doubt the power of a prayer. She did have a terrible cough (I heard it myself). She did gasp for breath as she walked from room to room (she is usually a physically fit woman). She does have an infection that is dangerous to all those who are attacked by it. GOD DID ANSWER OUR PRAYER FOR HER PROTECTION TODAY!!

Thank you, Father, for your answer to our need. Let me close my physical eyes in order to see you work in our spiritual lives. Thank You that You work in our physical world as evidence of Your remarkable power. I do trust You. I do love You. Amen.

Sunday Lunches

I treasure Sunday lunches at our house. The very words "Sunday lunch" have such special meaning to me. That simple phrase means that we greeted one another after worshipping our Savior , filled our plates with our favorite food, sat around a grand table with beloved people, and talked about subjects that are dear to our hearts.

Yesterday was such a day. Several things make yesterday exceptionally wonderful. First, we were celebrating my son's birthday. He is 24 and an outstanding son, friend, husband, and father. I couldn't be prouder. Second, we were celebrating 24 moving his family back to our city. They have been "in the wilderness" for fifteen months and having them close again in proximity is a joy. Next, my 88 year old grandmother was here to watch my grandchildren play, cry, and generally steal the show. Five generations! That is a rarity and oh, so extraordinary. We hold every moment with her captive knowing our time with her is short .

Now that I think of it we really didn't talk about important subjects or conquer significant social issues. Basically, we just shared time with one another. That, oh so, fleeting commodity of time. So, I guess it really isn't the "Sunday lunches" that are extraordinary, it is really the people that come together and commit that brief, passing, never to be had again moment in time with me that causes me to relish the memories we have around that table.

Oh, LORD God, let me never forget to savor each moment You give me with others. Let me never waste time consumed with useless matters or emotions. Let me speak Truth to them and love them with Your kind of love.

State Mandated HPV Vaccines

Here we go again! Unfortunately, the secular world is seeing the necessity to meet a physical need caused by a spiritual liability. Our shortcomings as salt and light to our world become painfully clear as the consequences of sin develop greater tribulations for the children (and yes, the adults, too) of our world. We are at this crossroad because we chose to be apathetic about purity (on a grand scale) in our own lives as well as the lives of our children in the past. Regrettably, if we as Christians, fight against the state mandated "solution" to this STD, we appear as uncaring and stoic. However, if we support the vaccine, we seem to acquiesce to the status quo of promiscuity. What is the solution on a Christian level?

1. Make sure we, as individuals, are living every moment what we say we believe. Our own children will then know and see Truth for themselves and have a better chance of experiencing life without the devasting consequences of sin.

2. Opt out of the vaccine, but only if you choose to educate your children on the spiritual level about the choices which have led to these physical consequences. This is a lifetime commitment, not a one time conversation.

3. Heed the call to affect others in this matter (only you know to what level of ministry God has called you).

This is absolutely not the complete answer to this crisis. However, until we as Christians decide what we believe how will we ever be able to stand up for anything? I am convinced that most of us do not really know what the Bible has to say about the practicality of living day to day. The only way it will ever be written on our hearts is when we ask God to allow us to hear Him. He is always speaking, will I listen?