I am spending the weekend with some new friends. Usually I anticipate new experiences with great expectation and joy. I love new and different. But, for some reason, today I am hesitant. Tenative, not because the new experience is dreaded, but, because in my heart somewhere I think I may need a rest from all the change that has taken place over the last year. Lots of new events are occurring in my life, all good. New friends, new church, well, new "everything" as far as relationships go (other than my immediate family). New goals, new expectations. I think what may make me hesitate to want these changes is not that they aren't better for me, it's just that I really liked my old "everything".
I still have those old relationships and friends, they are different, though, because we don't have our regular routine anymore. We are trying to figure out how to have them in a different context. We don't study much together any longer or discuss what we are learning as often anymore. These times are becoming fewer and farther between and that is truly sad.
I want to want to move on. I desire to have what is the absolute best for me. I need reviving. That is what I will anticipate for this weekend, renewal, regeneration, rejuvenation, replenishing. That is what I am asking for, Lord, new revelation of You.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Dead as a Doornail
Where did that expression come from? Maybe because you are supposed to hit the doornail again and again on the head and it's no worse off than when you began the beating? Oh well, I digress. What is dead is not our doornail (what is a doornail, anyway?), it is Husband's car. Yep! That's right, 18 killed the car. "Now what?" you may ask. Are we angry with 18? Will we make her pay? Will we hold it over her head until we feel better? No, none of the above.
She asked the same question when she discovered the car was deceased.
"Are you mad at me?"
"No", I answered slowly, trying to figure out exactly how I felt at the moment.
"What are you going to do?" 18 asked me, because, of course, Husband is out of town.
"Well, honey, I guess we are all just going to..." searching for words...
"We are all just going to pay for the consequences of my mistake!!!" 18 interjected.
No truer words have been spoken by such a young soul. The reality of poor choices is that they are not made in a vacuum. Our decisions, good or bad, effect everyone around us. The decision to take Husband's car last week will be an expensive one. We must replace it, it is a necessity. Every month will be financially leaner for Husband and I because we will have a car payment we did not expect. We will still have college bills, groceries to buy, mortgage etc. In essence less money for the fun stuff.
You may think this was an awful event in the life of our family. I am not so sure I agree. If my 18 year old can see the truth about sin and the dire consequences of it, and use that knowledge in the future to avoid a worse mistake, then I welcome the cost. After all, my sin has been paid for, and not by me!
She asked the same question when she discovered the car was deceased.
"Are you mad at me?"
"No", I answered slowly, trying to figure out exactly how I felt at the moment.
"What are you going to do?" 18 asked me, because, of course, Husband is out of town.
"Well, honey, I guess we are all just going to..." searching for words...
"We are all just going to pay for the consequences of my mistake!!!" 18 interjected.
No truer words have been spoken by such a young soul. The reality of poor choices is that they are not made in a vacuum. Our decisions, good or bad, effect everyone around us. The decision to take Husband's car last week will be an expensive one. We must replace it, it is a necessity. Every month will be financially leaner for Husband and I because we will have a car payment we did not expect. We will still have college bills, groceries to buy, mortgage etc. In essence less money for the fun stuff.
You may think this was an awful event in the life of our family. I am not so sure I agree. If my 18 year old can see the truth about sin and the dire consequences of it, and use that knowledge in the future to avoid a worse mistake, then I welcome the cost. After all, my sin has been paid for, and not by me!
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
The Return
I am so tired I can hardly think about what I want to share tonight because we have just returned, but, I feel I must record a few of these emotions I have welled up inside. The first is how very thankful I am to have been to such a fabulous place as Paris, France. The Eiffel Tower was spectacular! Not to mention the Arch de Triomphe, Louvre, Orsay, Invalides, Sacre Cour, Versailles, etc. Each one held it's own beauty and charisma. Nevertheless, what I am clinging to in my heart and pondering with great affection are the precious moments Husband and I spent with 18 and 15 (almost 16). Eating crepes with Nutella (chocolate paste) for breakfast, afternoon snack and late night snack. All four of us talking on our bed till late about the days events. 18 drilling 15 about what she learned that day. Trying to order our meals in French and absolutely butchering that beautiful language. Eating french fries every day! Hearing them say "WOW" when they first glimpsed the grandness of the Arch de Triomphe. Riding miles and miles and miles on the Metro and trying to find a place for all four of us to sit together in rush hour just to find a dress for 18 to wear to her prom. Watching them stare at a sculpture in the Louvre with awe and wonder.
Paris was brilliant, but the snapshots that are emblazoned on my heart and soul and that I hold dear are of my girls and the relationships we sealed this week. xxooxx I love you.
Paris was brilliant, but the snapshots that are emblazoned on my heart and soul and that I hold dear are of my girls and the relationships we sealed this week. xxooxx I love you.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Incredible
That's what I call my life somedays, simply incredible. Today, 15, 17, and I will be leaving for Paris. France, that is. We will be meeting Husband there to holiday together. (He has been in Singapore on a business trip.) We are vacationing in Gay Paree!! Oh, my goodness! How does someone like me get to do something as fabulous as spending spring break around the world? Oh, well, I am not going to look for answers today, I am simply going to prepare to have a grand time with 15 and 17.
This could be a challenge. 15 and 17 don't always have fun together. They are as different as night and day. One is quiet the other is talkative. One is an optimist, the other a pessimist. One an overpacker, one an underpacker. Dark, light. Alarmist, calm. Impatient, patient. Brash, gentle. Could they possibly be more different. I don't think so. But, this is what gives life it's color. Who wants a gray world? I don't. I admit, I could do without some of the more difficult challenges my children cause me to face, but, in reality would the good times be as precious without having experienced the thornier days?
I have delayed this extravagant vacation with children because I have feared I might not have a good time with them.They probably will not appreciate me and all the effort I have to put forth in order for this trip to take place. The money, the time to plan each day, the jet lag, the relationships, the everything. But, today, I believe it will all be worth it. They are excited to go and looking forward to every moment. I will genuinely take pleasure in merely watching them experience Paris, from packing to returning home. I will hold every moment captive because we will probably never get to experience this with them again.
Thank you Lord for your gracious generosity. Thank you for my children. Thank you for Husband.
This could be a challenge. 15 and 17 don't always have fun together. They are as different as night and day. One is quiet the other is talkative. One is an optimist, the other a pessimist. One an overpacker, one an underpacker. Dark, light. Alarmist, calm. Impatient, patient. Brash, gentle. Could they possibly be more different. I don't think so. But, this is what gives life it's color. Who wants a gray world? I don't. I admit, I could do without some of the more difficult challenges my children cause me to face, but, in reality would the good times be as precious without having experienced the thornier days?
I have delayed this extravagant vacation with children because I have feared I might not have a good time with them.They probably will not appreciate me and all the effort I have to put forth in order for this trip to take place. The money, the time to plan each day, the jet lag, the relationships, the everything. But, today, I believe it will all be worth it. They are excited to go and looking forward to every moment. I will genuinely take pleasure in merely watching them experience Paris, from packing to returning home. I will hold every moment captive because we will probably never get to experience this with them again.
Thank you Lord for your gracious generosity. Thank you for my children. Thank you for Husband.
Stranded
The phone was ringing. I answered. "MOM, Why didn't you tell me I couldn't drive Dad's car!!!?!" "Who is this and why are you yelling at me?" is all I could think. After a few moments of loud interrogation I finally determined who she was (17), where she was, and proceeded to rescue her and her two friends. The three of them had decided to go shopping in a town that was thirty miles away, in traffic, without a map and had wandered lost for a while. Husband's car had been having a little trouble with overheating lately and we had parked it until he could return from a business trip and take it to the mechanic. The car was in bad shape. Now what do I do? Why do I always have to deal with these things myself when husband is out of town? I hate this part of mothering and wifing!!
17, who incidentally will turn 18 in five days, was stranded, and it was all my fault. NOT!! 17 has a habit of blaming others for her poor decisions or problems. Nothing, I repeat, nothing is ever her fault. If she is unhappy, frustrated, experiencing anything unpleasant, it must be someone else's fault! Now, we all know that at some point each of us must take responsiblity for ourselves. You know, not be a victim, simply decide to do something that will address the reasons for our negative feelings and circumstances. My only question is how can I get 17 to do that, too? I have made every effort to reveal this unconstructive trait to her. Realistically, this process started five years ago in junior high when she began to have a little freedom going places with the youth group.
She called back to see how close I was.
"I am at least 20 minutes away" I answered. "17," I said.
"Yes, Mom?"
" I need to say something to you, and I don't think you are going to like it."
"What?"
"You know what we talked about the other day? That difficulty you have?"
"You mean the one where I blame you for all my problems?"
"Yes, that one," I said with a little hope, "Do you think you did that here?"
"Did I do that?" 17 asked with hesitation.
"Well, did I know that you were going to drive dad's car?" I asked hoping she would see where this was going.
"No, I just jumped in it and left."
"Did I know how far away you were going to shop?"
"No," She answered, "And mom?"
"Yes?"
"I knew it was having a problem overheating, I'm sorry, this is all my fault. We're stuck and the car is in terrible shape and it is my fault. " She freely admitted.
Woo Hoo (is that how you spell that?) I still had to point it out, but, the process this time was a little less painful and quicker than usual. I actually have hope that next time I may not even be accused of sabotaging her plans (well I wouldn't really go that far, but I am an optimist).
Isn't this what God wants of us? Admit we are the problem, He will rescue us. Please Lord, let me be quicker to admit my faults and responsibility in causing most of my own predicaments. In short, Lord, save me from myself.
17, who incidentally will turn 18 in five days, was stranded, and it was all my fault. NOT!! 17 has a habit of blaming others for her poor decisions or problems. Nothing, I repeat, nothing is ever her fault. If she is unhappy, frustrated, experiencing anything unpleasant, it must be someone else's fault! Now, we all know that at some point each of us must take responsiblity for ourselves. You know, not be a victim, simply decide to do something that will address the reasons for our negative feelings and circumstances. My only question is how can I get 17 to do that, too? I have made every effort to reveal this unconstructive trait to her. Realistically, this process started five years ago in junior high when she began to have a little freedom going places with the youth group.
She called back to see how close I was.
"I am at least 20 minutes away" I answered. "17," I said.
"Yes, Mom?"
" I need to say something to you, and I don't think you are going to like it."
"What?"
"You know what we talked about the other day? That difficulty you have?"
"You mean the one where I blame you for all my problems?"
"Yes, that one," I said with a little hope, "Do you think you did that here?"
"Did I do that?" 17 asked with hesitation.
"Well, did I know that you were going to drive dad's car?" I asked hoping she would see where this was going.
"No, I just jumped in it and left."
"Did I know how far away you were going to shop?"
"No," She answered, "And mom?"
"Yes?"
"I knew it was having a problem overheating, I'm sorry, this is all my fault. We're stuck and the car is in terrible shape and it is my fault. " She freely admitted.
Woo Hoo (is that how you spell that?) I still had to point it out, but, the process this time was a little less painful and quicker than usual. I actually have hope that next time I may not even be accused of sabotaging her plans (well I wouldn't really go that far, but I am an optimist).
Isn't this what God wants of us? Admit we are the problem, He will rescue us. Please Lord, let me be quicker to admit my faults and responsibility in causing most of my own predicaments. In short, Lord, save me from myself.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
What Delights You?
"What delights you?" Merriam Webster defines delight as "a high degree of gratification : joy; also : extreme satisfaction".
That question was posed to me recently and I must confess my answer didn't come as quickly as I had wished. I even began to wonder if I delighted in anything! My thoughts became bogged down in the definition and implication that delight invokes involuntary joy. So, in what things do I involuntarily find "extreme satisfaction". What ensued was a day of examining things I have and people with whom I interact. As I scrutinized these things and relationships I realized that it takes a great deal of work just to keep them functioning. And, if everything in my life takes so much effort to make it bearable, is there really any joy in that? Is there any delight in that? Here is the list I came up with and the grade I gave it according to the "extreme satisfaction" it gives me. (1= no satisfaction, 5= extreme satisfaction)
House 1 (But, when I work to improve it, clean it, or plant new flowers and it becomes beautiful that "satisfies" me,) new score 3
Car 1 (It is a really nice car, but, it gets dirty, dinged, and costs a lot of money to keep it running. The only satifaction is if I maintain it well and get to the places I want to go when I want to get there) new score 3
Friends 3 (I have many acquaintances and friends and we enjoy a lot of laughter. Some of us get together quite often to celebrate in many ways. But, having close friends is a lot of work. It takes great deal of effort to plan times for us to get together and there are times when we must work through hurt feelings, disappointments, expectations.) new score (for the friends that have been the most work) 5
Marriage 3 (This relationship of almost 26 years is one of the most difficult to preserve. When I have ignored it I have detested it, when I have worked the hardest it has genuinely delighted me) new score 5
Children 2 (This may seem like an extremely low score to you, but, you should have been here in the really disappointing times. I toiled emotionally, physically, and mentally and still found that I came up short in rearing them. However, when I really got serious about spiritually educating myself about parenting, God worked miracles and let me take part.) new score 5
God 5 (This score starts out high because I realize His mercy is the only thing I have in this relationship. When I make any effort to seek Him, please Him, obey Him, the satisfaction scale goes out of this world, literally!) new score 99999999999999999999999999
Well, my first impression of the meaning of delight was to simply look around and see if anything made me smile. But, what I think I have discovered is that delight is found in experiencing the consequences of working hard and doing the right things, especially in my relationships. This was quite a lesson for me. Rarely is anything the way it may first appear. The things that you think will please you, like nice houses and cars, nice clothes and stuff in general, may give you a sense of well being for a short time, but they scored low on my pleasure scale. The things that I feel that cause me the most pain and work, like friends, marriage, kids are what really give me the fulfillment I desire. This was an eye-opener for me. It encourages me to do what I know is right and continue to work for healthy, more intimate relationships.
That question was posed to me recently and I must confess my answer didn't come as quickly as I had wished. I even began to wonder if I delighted in anything! My thoughts became bogged down in the definition and implication that delight invokes involuntary joy. So, in what things do I involuntarily find "extreme satisfaction". What ensued was a day of examining things I have and people with whom I interact. As I scrutinized these things and relationships I realized that it takes a great deal of work just to keep them functioning. And, if everything in my life takes so much effort to make it bearable, is there really any joy in that? Is there any delight in that? Here is the list I came up with and the grade I gave it according to the "extreme satisfaction" it gives me. (1= no satisfaction, 5= extreme satisfaction)
House 1 (But, when I work to improve it, clean it, or plant new flowers and it becomes beautiful that "satisfies" me,) new score 3
Car 1 (It is a really nice car, but, it gets dirty, dinged, and costs a lot of money to keep it running. The only satifaction is if I maintain it well and get to the places I want to go when I want to get there) new score 3
Friends 3 (I have many acquaintances and friends and we enjoy a lot of laughter. Some of us get together quite often to celebrate in many ways. But, having close friends is a lot of work. It takes great deal of effort to plan times for us to get together and there are times when we must work through hurt feelings, disappointments, expectations.) new score (for the friends that have been the most work) 5
Marriage 3 (This relationship of almost 26 years is one of the most difficult to preserve. When I have ignored it I have detested it, when I have worked the hardest it has genuinely delighted me) new score 5
Children 2 (This may seem like an extremely low score to you, but, you should have been here in the really disappointing times. I toiled emotionally, physically, and mentally and still found that I came up short in rearing them. However, when I really got serious about spiritually educating myself about parenting, God worked miracles and let me take part.) new score 5
God 5 (This score starts out high because I realize His mercy is the only thing I have in this relationship. When I make any effort to seek Him, please Him, obey Him, the satisfaction scale goes out of this world, literally!) new score 99999999999999999999999999
Well, my first impression of the meaning of delight was to simply look around and see if anything made me smile. But, what I think I have discovered is that delight is found in experiencing the consequences of working hard and doing the right things, especially in my relationships. This was quite a lesson for me. Rarely is anything the way it may first appear. The things that you think will please you, like nice houses and cars, nice clothes and stuff in general, may give you a sense of well being for a short time, but they scored low on my pleasure scale. The things that I feel that cause me the most pain and work, like friends, marriage, kids are what really give me the fulfillment I desire. This was an eye-opener for me. It encourages me to do what I know is right and continue to work for healthy, more intimate relationships.
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