A Regret

Every once in a while I look back over my life and, over all, I have very few regrets. Most of my mistakes, which are countless, I have been able to learn from, make amends (still with fairly harsh consequences, but deserved, nonetheless), and even overcome. However, there is one that continues to haunt me to this day.

Sometimes, I even feel I am shackled to it and there is no key.

As I look at that statement and try to be reasonable, possibly only part of it is true. I have been inexorably constrained by my error. This reality is difficult to swallow. That specific decision I made as a very young adult has molded me into the woman I am today. What shall I do with that fact? In truth, I am humbled continually by my previous lack of judgment, and, I must admit, humility is a trait that I esteem in others, so I will not condemn that attribute even in myself. I believe God has used it for good as I have experienced life with Husband and Children.

So, you are probably asking, what is the problem? Well, the conclusion of the statement is where my misery takes root. Is there a key? Yes, there is, however, it is an expensive key. What I may be realizing is that it is the same key that I refused to use before. I chose not to utilize it in my past because it was just as costly way back then. There is a difference in the price. The expenditure will be paid by my whole family, not just me.

Now, what will I do? Truthfully, I'm not sure. I know, it doesn't sound like me, does it? Usually when confronted with a difficult decision I tackle the task head on and just do what needs to get done. Why does this issue stump me? I think because I hesitate to have my family pay for my past mistakes. But, it really is getting to the point that I cannot wait any longer to redeem the past.

Lord, lead me, relieve me, provide for me, redeem my past for future good.