What is in a Name?

I have a theory. See if you agree. I think I have come to the conclusion that the only thing we actually possess is our name. Our reputation. What do you think?

I looked up the definition, and according to Merriam Webster to possess something means

1 a: to have and hold as property : own b: to have as an attribute, knowledge, or skill2 a: to take into one's possession b: 1 b: to enter into and control firmly : dominate c: to bring or cause to fall under the influence.

Most of us believe that we possess our car, house or clothing. When, in fact, we own them. We have the legal right to use them to our liking. However, if we look at the above definition, to possess means to control firmly. I can tell you right now that even though I have the legal right to drive my car, I absolutely do not control everything about it. My auto continues to experience the adverse effects of the weather, bad roads and other people's car doors and bumpers. My home is difficult to maintain. I hold it as property, it is my homestead, no one can take it from me; but, I control nothing about it. It costs a fortune to manage. I cannot, no matter how hard I try, retain it's pristine state as a new home.

Now, that brings me to my name. I have complete control of my reputation. I propose that my reputation is the only thing that I can fully bring under my influence. My character walks boldy before me as I enter into relationships and lingers long after I am gone. My name will remind others I interacted with long ago of my overall qualities whether they are fair and wise or lacking in goodness and kindness. If I have been foolish this attribute will haunt me long after I have learned that lesson. A reputation of deceit and dishonesty stay and stay and stay.

No wonder the wisest man who ever lived said this:

"A good name is better than fine perfume..." Eccl 7:1

Boy, was he right!

Indescribable

I think most of the time I amble through my life oblivious of God's mercy. As you can tell, if you have read many of my posts, my life (in my opinion) is rather blissful. I know that my circumstances are a direct result of God's lovingkindness, faithfulness, and care for me, my children and extended family and I am genuinely thankful. I am at least grateful for the small part of that truth that I comprehend. Every now and then, fortunately, God chooses to illuminate me by revealing His holy attributes.

Last week was an interminable week. Each day longer than the one before it. Disappointment and grief were found at every turn. God's Word was the only place to find hope. Here is where I spent my days:

Luke 11:5-8 Then he said to them, "Suppose one of you has a friend, and he goes to him at midnight and says, 'Friend, lend me three loaves of bread, because a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have nothing to set before him.' "Then the one inside answers, 'Don't bother me. The door is already locked, and my children are with me in bed. I can't get up and give you anything.' I tell you, though he will not get up and give him the bread because he is his friend, yet because of the man's boldness he will get up and give him as much as he needs.

I literally knocked incessantly at God's door and asked for underserved mercy. The truth of the matter is we deserve judgment and consequences from our Holy God, yet I was emboldened by my LORD to persistently ask for what I felt I needed. Our future is in His hands and I truly came to the point that I would choose to be thankful for whatever future God chose for us, But I relentlessly cried out for underserved mercy, And that is what He gave...mercy.

Our ordeal isn't over, but, God's precepts will carry us through. We will praise His name forever to all the earth, "The Lord is Good and His Mercy endures forever!"

Thank you, Lord, for your Indescribable Mercy!

Psalm 86:12-13 "I will praise thee, O Lord my God, with all my heart: and I will glorify thy name for evermore. For great is thy mercy toward me: and thou hast delivered my soul from the lowest hell."

Making the Bed

The other day husband and I were making our new bed together. I kept having to point out wrinkles that he had on his side that he was willing to just cover over with the comforter.

"You've got a wrinkle." I declared.
"Where?" husband asked.
"Right there!" I stated incredulously.
"It's small, no one will even see it under this huge comforter." husband acknowledged.

"Look, if we don't straighten every wrinkle every day, eventually the bed will be a mess, even if it is under the comforter. I will not be able to sleep in an untidy bed. "

It's true. I detest getting into an unmade bed. So, even if I have missed making my bed for the day (usually on Sundays), I will usually neaten up the covers so I can climb in. Sometimes husband will even go in to the bedroom before me at night and make the bed for me. I believe there is a deep theological truth to be found, here, in my eccentricities.

If we let even the smallest of sin go unconfessed and continue to cover it up, basically ingnoring our failures to God, it will eventually mess up our whole life. We will become undone. Thankfully, all we need to do is strip the bed(confess our sin with a repentent heart), wash the sheets, and remake the bed (start anew with an unbroken relationship with the Lord). Now... I can rest!

Free Time

Boy! My life truly is different than it was just a mere five years ago. That realization struck me between the eyes today as I was discussing with some peers about our freetime vs. the time we spend on responsibilities. Basically, we were all given a piece of paper with a circle on it. Our task was to divide the "pie" into three catagories: 1. time spent doing responsibilities 2. time spent planning or thinking about my responsibilities 3. free time.

Five years ago all four of my children lived at home. This fact may explain fully to some of you (at least those of you who are moms) that only the time that I slept was free from fulfilling my duties.

Today, and even I have a difficult time believing this, I think my circle is completely consumed with free time. I know, I know "what about the laundry?" you ask. Well, I have considered that and a few other things I still do for my family and here is my answer:

My children are 24, 23, 18, & 16. Two of them do not even live in my house any longer, 18 and 16 can do their own laundry. Sometimes I still do the laundry for them, as a courtesy, but I only do it if I have the "free" time to do it and I want to.

The same thing applies to cooking. Most of the time no one shows up for dinner anymore. Except maybe husband, then, I "freely" choose to cook a healthy, tasty dinner for us and anyone else who may want to join us.

Cleaning house: I enjoy a neat home, it is usually neat, not necessarily clean. When I want to, I clean. My friends can tell you, I don't clean often enough.

I watch my grandchildren regularly and those times you might say are a duty. No, I will argue, I gladly, "freely" spend the day with them.

Now, soon enough, I will have responsibilities for ministry events at the church we joined a few months back. People will be depending on me to do my best at carrying out those duties. However, I would even argue that I will do those things because I have the freedom and passionate desire to see these events succeed. These activities have the potential to change people's lives, give them hope for a future. Sometimes the planning and execution is time consuming and difficult, but for me it is Life! I have missed the busyness and challenge of preparing for these events. I am ready to jump back in.

Now that I think of it the days (five years ago) where I washed clothes incessantly, cooked continuously (three squares a day), drove ceaselessly to the unrelenting schedules of practices and games for all the children (did I tell you husband travelled ALL THE TIME back then?), organized and led a ministry, and taught a Bible class three times a week might be put in my free time category.

Crazy, huh? But that life is what I "freely" chose. My free time spent investing in our family and what I believed to be the best for them. And I can honestly say I would gladly choose it all over again.

History

On June 2, 2007, history was made in our home. We bought a bed. I know you think that purchasing furniture couldn't really be that big of a deal, but, we rarely buy furniture where you go to a store, pick out what you like, write a check and have it delivered. I usually collect furniture. I might see someone I know getting rid of something I have always liked and so I ask if they would consider selling it to me. Or possibly at a garage sale I will see something that strikes my fancy and I simply must have it. I admit I have a chair "thing" and cannot turn myself away from a classic. Our home is full of furniture like that. So, when husband strongly suggested that he would really, really like to have a new bed, and not just any bed, a king size, fabulously gorgeous bed, I was almost offended. After all, I bought the bed we had been sleeping in (not the mattress and box springs, only the furniture part of the bed) for $10 the week before we were married from a co-worker's sister-in-law's neighbor. It is a beautiful, french antique, of which I am extremely fond. Thus begins the saga...

"OK, OK", I said, "let's go." We found a reasonably priced (high priority for me), splendid, king size bed that we both loved. Husband picked out the new mattress and box springs and all were to be delivered in 10 days.

We looked around the house and husband declared, "We cannot possibly put that beautiful bed on that ratty carpet!"

It was true, the carpet has been there longer than I know and was beyond repair in many areas, so, we marched down to the carpet store and ordered carpet. We purchased carpet not just for our bedroom, but for 16's bedroom and the office, niether of which had had new flooring since we have been in this home. It will be installed in 10 days and we must pack away all breakables and electronics. Thus begins the purging...

We cleaned out the closet in the office and the two desks which contained more paper than the redwood forest could have produced. I bought file boxes and filed away paper we should keep close and documents that could be kept in the attic. I organized and sterilized until I was paralyzed. Who knew a small home office could hold so much? We bought a shredder and labored over it until it was smoking. Old checks, warranties for items we no longer have, and even hospital bills for illnesses we forgot we had endured are all in the tiniest of pieces filling three large bags.

"When the men move out the big desk in the office, don't put it back, I don't want it any more!" husband asserted.

"Where will you sit and work? What will we do with our stuff that the desk holds?" I asked.

"We will figure something out, maybe just a table." Thus begins the shifting...

Since 16's room will be empty for the installation of the carpet we decided we should paint. 16's room had been 18's room a few years back. 18 had painted it "Home Depot" orange. We had all grown weary of it and this was a good chance to change the walls without worrying about spills. If we change the paint we must change the decor, nothing she has goes with her new color (she chose a nice color of green). So, we emptied her room and thus began the transformation...

16 needed new bedding and now new storage since husband will take her small desk to use in the office. I found a sturdy, handsome antique armoire that will complement her antique sleigh bed. We will use it for an entertainment center and extra storage. We will move her small chest into her closet. Those are good plans for her room.

The carpet was installed, the bed was delivered and now I can finally begin putting my house back in order. As I have hinted in previous paragraphs in this post, EVERY SINGLE ROOM IN MY HOUSE IS A MESS! Our old bed was moved to 18's room, 18's bed was moved to 16's room, 16's small desk was moved to the office.

For the master bedroom I had to buy new bedding, new linens, even new pillows so we now have KING size everything. I couldn't put our old nightstands by our new, splendid bed so the old nightstands were moved to the dining room (for a sale in the near future). They sat next to the huge desk. Thus begins the shopping...

I shopped for nightstands, and found some, hence I needed new lamps for them. Found those. My bedroom now looks pretty good, except for the art work. I have plenty, I will just move things around. I took every picture down in every room in my house and brought them to the master suite. Finally had a friend help me with that and now the art work looks pretty great! Uh Oh, the master bath doesn't match any more!! I shopped for curtains, towels, rugs, and soap. Now it matches fairly well.

Who knew that buying one piece of furniture could cause such chaos? It has taken literally three weeks for me to get my house back in order. And if I really wanted to be honest with myself there are a few more things I would really like to get to finish out "the look". They will have to wait. I need to buy groceries this week! (I just hate it when I have to spend my grocery money on groceries!)

Soul Food

Have you ever really needed a break from the difficult day to day drudgery you must endure? Have you ever just wanted to get away and simply do things that you rarely get to do? Selfish things like spend days with friends who genuinely care about you, or walk lazily along a street lined with quaint shops that entice you to come in and browse. Have you ever wanted to experience novel things like harvest lavender and bring a bouquet home to release it's gentle aroma in your bedroom? Maybe you have wanted to pick perfectly ripe peaches to make a fantastic homemade dessert and just never took the time.

These are just a few of the things I experienced with my girlfriends this weekend. Let me just add a few more things to the list:

*soaked in the hot tub at the hotel until we were beeeeet red.
*sang hymns at the top of our lungs.
*ate snacks until I thought I would explode.
*bought fabulously charming old furniture.
*shared our hearts.

At dinner one evening I asked each friend to describe the weekend in just two words. Here are their words and it really sums up the entire trip. I can add no more.

Restful, easy, soul food, happy heart, desperately needed, refreshing, fun, new experiences.

Hooray for the GRT (Girl's Road Trip) I couldn't ask for more.

PS Whose pillow do I have?

Mosquitoes!

Today my sister-in-law and I were going to take our regular walk of 3 or 4 miles to retain our svelte figures. We routinely meet at the local park and briskly walk for about an hour. I would like to share with you that I go and exercise because it is good for me, but, alas, I would be fibbing. I am there for the conversation, any healthy benefits are just a perk.

We began our usual conversation, catching up on the news since the last time we marched ourselves around the park. Then we looked down at our legs and arms and they were literally covered with mosquitoes. I slapped all the black dots I could see and swatted at places on myself I couldn't see, then as I turned and looked behind me there was a swarm coming our way. We left the park and went hastily to walk in my neighborhood. I was sure we would be safe there.

We parked our cars, retied our shoes, and began our meager effort at physical fitness. We picked up where our dialogue had been cut short. Then, as we walked beside some freshly cut grass there, too, was a cloud of mosquitoes chasing us and desiring to have us for breakfast. We took a quick u-turn and headed back to the house at a pace neither of us has attempted for a few years. Maybe the swiftness of our walk will make up for the shortness of it. We are going to try again, but, next time we will spray ourselves with repellent before we leave the house.

As I thought about that itchy experience I began to consider how similar this life is to my mosquito filled walk this morning. My desire to be above reproach, a woman of integrity, untouched by the sin in this world is nearly an impossible task. I get bitten, I am affected by the"Mosquitoes" that nip at me and that is discouraging. Some days it feels as if I couldn't possibly get through the day without numerous big, red, itchy spots all over me. I need repellent so I will not be eaten! I need the Word. Somehow (and I am so thankful) the Word of God meets me right where I am. It protects my heart. It soothes my soul. It heals my hurts. It invigorates me.

Thank you Lord for your Word that is Perfect for me in my mosquito filled world.

A Rough Week

Psalm 25:16 -22 Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you. Redeem Israel, O God, from all their troubles!

Psalm 31:19-24 How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you. In the shelter of your presence you hide them from the intrigues of men; in your dwelling you keep them safe from the strife of tongues. Praise be to the LORD, for he showed his wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city. In my alarm I said, "I am cut off from your sight!" Yet you heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help. Love the LORD, all his saints! The LORD preserves the faithful... Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.

Graduation

Twelve hours until the big event. 18 will walk across the stage with her high school graduating class and receive the first significant award she will earn in her lifetime. Up to now, in her short existence, this is the most important day she has experienced. There have been times she will remember as more fun, but this day, in truth, ushers in her life as an adult.

Her family(parents, grandparents, and siblings) will expect more from her. She has been allowed the freedom to make some mistakes under the umbrella of protection of her parents. We, in essence, have covered her financially, emotionally, and physically. Now, she will be solely responsible for own decisions and the consequences that will follow, whether positive or negative. Our desire for her is that she will seek wise counsel before making any weighty choices. I believe she will. We are available and always ready (sometimes too ready) to give advice that we consider prudent. Part of our growing up as parents will be to wait to give our opinions until asked.

As I ironed her gown I realized that this day arrives so much sooner than we can anticipate. As parents, husband and I have done all we can to prepare her for her adult life, but there will be some things she must learn and decide on her own. What career will she pursue? What man will she love? Will she serve the LORD God or her own self made god? These things I will offer up in prayer to my Hope in Christ.

Lord, protect 18's heart and mind. Call her to You. Let her be satisfied with nothing less than You.

Frozen

OK, OK, I'll finally say it out loud, my shoulder hurts and it simply doesn't work. It is frozen! Have you ever heard of such a thing? I hadn't before about a month ago.

Dr. - "Well, it seems your shoulder is frozen."
Me - "What do you mean frozen?"
Dr. - "Frozen, as in won't move at all."
Me - "You've got to be kidding."
Dr. - " Do I look like I'm kidding?"

Believe me, this doc has something frozen and it's not his shoulder. He wasn't kidding. So the past few weeks I have spent much time (2-3 hours a day) doing physical therapy, 3 times a week at the clinic where an exceptionally nice therapist moves my arm and shoulder to locations that feel as if they are out of this universe. Therapy is time consuming and painful. This morning I was discussing (with myself) the possibility of just being satisfied with one arm that is fully functioning and the other that I can use as long as I don't try to raise it too high. Most people won't even notice that I reach with only one arm, that washing and drying my hair is a gymnastic feat, and hugging my dearest loved ones causes a grimace. I think I can do it!

My tearful prayer this morning was a plea to God to "melt" my shoulder.

"I need it!" I prayed with an exclamation point. "I don't want to just appear to be well, I want to be healthy, able bodied, fit as a fiddle."

I soon realized that I am more concerned with my physical health than my spiritual fitness. I appear to others to be spiritually fit, yet, I know that I hold back parts of me that God still wants to soften and mold so that I will not merely appear to be spiritually hale, but truly biblically strong throughout my entire being.

Have your physical limitations and neediness revealed to you your need for spiritual healing and awakening? What is frozen in you?

What Now?

It's been over a week since "the event"(Let Me Be Brief) and I have had plenty of time to process my thoughts and emotions. Wow, what an array of attitudes have crossed my mind! I have gone from extreme anger (and I mean extreme), to pity(for myself, of course), to just a complete loss of knowing what to do next.

Husband and I want what is best for 18 and for the family as a whole. She should experience some acute consequences. I believe they should be natural consequences, not neccesarily conjured up by me. Do you know what I mean? For instance, in the present, she is having to be driven everywhere from school to work to the movies. Wherever she goes she must be taken, like a pre-teen. No one wants to allow her to drive their car yet. In the near future the consequences are less about convenience and pride and more about finances. She will be required to buy or replace her car and carry comprehensive insurance. It will be quite a burden for her. An onus we deliberately worked hard for her not to carry while she was in college.

Therein lies the root of my self pity. We planned and saved and paid off cars in order to give them to our children so they would have a smaller insurance bill and no car payments. They have only been required to pay for their gas and incidentals, and now, that opportunity has been shattered by recklessness. That is what really tests me!

Don't you know that is how God feels about me? God sacrificed for my redemption and freedom and I continually live inattentively and ruin my chance at life without harsh consequences. What is wrong with me!?! He continues to give me chance after chance and I wreck it.

The questions I have about what is right parenting in this situation will be answered by how God parents me. Since I have continuously disappointed Him, yea, even made Him angry with my carelessness in regard to the details in my life, I will do the same with 18. She will have consequences, she will be forgiven, she will be loved. No grudges, no bitterness.

Let Me Be Brief

Fixed husband's car. (refer to Dead as a Doornail)
Picked it up Thursday p.m.
18 wrecked it Sunday.

That is all.

Extraordinary Friends

I guess I really haven't realized how fortunate I am. Sometimes, ok most of the time, I take so many things for granted. Today I recognize the unusual blessing of good girlfriends. The type of friends you can drop in on. The kind of friends who genuinely desire to just sit with you and visit about the mundane episodes of life. The sort that put everything else on their calendar aside to be with me. I don't just have one friend like that, nor do I have two. If I were to actually put a number to it I think that my number of really good friends is more than I could count on two hands!! Granted, I don't see all of them regularly, but at any given moment, I could depend on any of them to drop everything to meet me at any given time.

Yesterday I supped with some of my best friends. Seven of us meet regularly to celebrate birthdays and yesterday was such an occasion. The times we spend together are extraordinary. We simply share our ordinary lives.

Isn't that interesting? Amazing relationships are grown out of normal people expressing to others their unembellished selves. I think most of us believe extraordinary relationships are born from spectacular events with others. When in reality all we want is for someone to know who we actually are, with no pretense, and still want to spend time with us.

We don't ask a lot of each other in terms of time. I don't want my friends to put me above the needs of their husband and children. I just want to know that if I really needed them they would drop everything and run to me. And I do know that. I also know that occasionally, just for the fun of it, they will set aside all their other responsibilities and simply spend some time cultivating an extraordinary relationship by doing ordinary things with me.

Thank you, friends.

Church Home

Do you have a church home? Those very words "church home" evoke a sentimental warmness in me. Church: a place to worship, learn, fellowship, serve. Home: a place to retreat to safety and significance. (Don't try to find these definitions in a dictionary. They are my own characterization.) Put those two together and your church home could be the ideal place to find yourself a few days a week.

Yesterday morning as I was preparing physically and mentally to go to my church home, I was overwhelmed by a sense of sadness for many of my friends and family who don't have a church home right now. I know exactly how they feel, like a nomad wandering about, looking for good pasture for your sheep. The task is daunting because what we seek is all the positive we had at our old church, then we add to that list, the improvements we thought needed to be made so that it would have been "my own perfect church home". Our kids need to enjoy going, we need to like the music, and the preacher better be biblical, interesting, challenging, and caring. Are the members friendly? Do they have too much debt? How long does it take me to get there? My list went on and on and on. All of these things are so important, but, can any church meet all this criteria?

My prayer for all of you who have no church home is that you will continue looking no matter how frustrating it may be. And, in your search, simply seek the LORD. We know that no man (church) will ever meet our wants and needs fully, only the Father can. He can call you to worship, teach you, give you a spot to serve, and provide significance and security to your soul, all in a place that is not ideal and never will be. Churches are not perfect but the Father is.

Parenting

Let me just face the facts, some weeks I come to the stark reality that my attempts at parenting are feeble. Some days the "world" seems too large of an adversary for me to have more of an influence on my children than society does. Especially as they become adults, where does my line of authority end? How, because I love them and want what is best for them, do I continue to mentor them? How much do I say? How little should I share with them in tense situations? My biggest question today is "When will these relationships cease to cause me frustration and pain?" We all know the answer to that question is never, I just needed to express to the world my sad little sentiment.

The times I feel the most disappointed in how they act is when I see how harsh and judgemental they are of others. I notice when they are bereft of patience and kindness with their siblings and when they look for perfection in people who couldn't possibly give them a faultless performance. What I have observed is that I am disappointed when, uhohhhh, they act like me. I am the "society" that has held sway over them the most. OH, NO!! When I began this note today this was not what I believed the conclusion would be. I was prepared to tell you that all my efforts have been countered by a debased society, but I have negotiated this subject and discovered that I have been weighed and have been found wanting.

Lord, let me give all of me to you. Please, allow my children to escape the consequences of my feeble attempts at parenting. You, Lord, parent them. Forgive me.

I'm In

Count me in. I've joined. I'm in for the long haul. You can count on me. "Count on you for what?", you may ask. To serve the body of believers and the community at the church we joined this weekend.

I must admit that this was a difficult decision for our family, Husband, 18, 16, and me. We have a lot of history at our old church. And, even though there was no doubt that it was right to leave it, we long for the old days. But, today, we will put all that behind us and press on here. We will jump in with both feet and completely immerse ourselves in the "new" ministry. Actually, the ministry is not new at all even though it may take on new forms. The basic ministry we know that is important is sharing, with the world, what has changed our lives, fulfilled us, given us hope and a future (for eternity). The reality is that these people at our new church are basically strangers and here I am committing myself to a life work with them. Does that make sense?

Some questions that address that very issue were posed to me a few days ago and I have pondered them and included them here because I think that you, too, should consider your answers. Here are those questions and my reply.

Questions: Can I love God passionately and his people at arms length? Do I have to open up to these strangers to really love them? Does honesty equal transparency? Is transparency really a virtue or a weakness?

Reply: The answers are not easy to say aloud because I think true ministry is a result of honestly sharing ourselves with others to the point that they can see what we are passionate about. If others cannot see who we really are, we cannot share our passion, nor maybe even acknowledge our passion to ourselves.

I began to inquire of myself this past week if I really needed to live a life more than that of obscurity or mediocrity. Why not? Why not just be faithful to my husband, children, grandchildren, etc? Could that be so wrong? And then I heard “AWAKE TO RIGHTEOUSNESS!” This life I live is not about me and my comfort zone, it is about me living a life of thrilling abundance (life on the edge) so that “others may know that He is the LORD God and there is no other!” (1Kings 8:59-60)

I was reminded that I owe that to Him, He is my Redeemer. To God be the glory! I should give Him my all.

Expectation

I am spending the weekend with some new friends. Usually I anticipate new experiences with great expectation and joy. I love new and different. But, for some reason, today I am hesitant. Tenative, not because the new experience is dreaded, but, because in my heart somewhere I think I may need a rest from all the change that has taken place over the last year. Lots of new events are occurring in my life, all good. New friends, new church, well, new "everything" as far as relationships go (other than my immediate family). New goals, new expectations. I think what may make me hesitate to want these changes is not that they aren't better for me, it's just that I really liked my old "everything".

I still have those old relationships and friends, they are different, though, because we don't have our regular routine anymore. We are trying to figure out how to have them in a different context. We don't study much together any longer or discuss what we are learning as often anymore. These times are becoming fewer and farther between and that is truly sad.

I want to want to move on. I desire to have what is the absolute best for me. I need reviving. That is what I will anticipate for this weekend, renewal, regeneration, rejuvenation, replenishing. That is what I am asking for, Lord, new revelation of You.

Dead as a Doornail

Where did that expression come from? Maybe because you are supposed to hit the doornail again and again on the head and it's no worse off than when you began the beating? Oh well, I digress. What is dead is not our doornail (what is a doornail, anyway?), it is Husband's car. Yep! That's right, 18 killed the car. "Now what?" you may ask. Are we angry with 18? Will we make her pay? Will we hold it over her head until we feel better? No, none of the above.

She asked the same question when she discovered the car was deceased.

"Are you mad at me?"
"No", I answered slowly, trying to figure out exactly how I felt at the moment.
"What are you going to do?" 18 asked me, because, of course, Husband is out of town.
"Well, honey, I guess we are all just going to..." searching for words...
"We are all just going to pay for the consequences of my mistake!!!" 18 interjected.

No truer words have been spoken by such a young soul. The reality of poor choices is that they are not made in a vacuum. Our decisions, good or bad, effect everyone around us. The decision to take Husband's car last week will be an expensive one. We must replace it, it is a necessity. Every month will be financially leaner for Husband and I because we will have a car payment we did not expect. We will still have college bills, groceries to buy, mortgage etc. In essence less money for the fun stuff.

You may think this was an awful event in the life of our family. I am not so sure I agree. If my 18 year old can see the truth about sin and the dire consequences of it, and use that knowledge in the future to avoid a worse mistake, then I welcome the cost. After all, my sin has been paid for, and not by me!

The Return

I am so tired I can hardly think about what I want to share tonight because we have just returned, but, I feel I must record a few of these emotions I have welled up inside. The first is how very thankful I am to have been to such a fabulous place as Paris, France. The Eiffel Tower was spectacular! Not to mention the Arch de Triomphe, Louvre, Orsay, Invalides, Sacre Cour, Versailles, etc. Each one held it's own beauty and charisma. Nevertheless, what I am clinging to in my heart and pondering with great affection are the precious moments Husband and I spent with 18 and 15 (almost 16). Eating crepes with Nutella (chocolate paste) for breakfast, afternoon snack and late night snack. All four of us talking on our bed till late about the days events. 18 drilling 15 about what she learned that day. Trying to order our meals in French and absolutely butchering that beautiful language. Eating french fries every day! Hearing them say "WOW" when they first glimpsed the grandness of the Arch de Triomphe. Riding miles and miles and miles on the Metro and trying to find a place for all four of us to sit together in rush hour just to find a dress for 18 to wear to her prom. Watching them stare at a sculpture in the Louvre with awe and wonder.

Paris was brilliant, but the snapshots that are emblazoned on my heart and soul and that I hold dear are of my girls and the relationships we sealed this week. xxooxx I love you.

Incredible

That's what I call my life somedays, simply incredible. Today, 15, 17, and I will be leaving for Paris. France, that is. We will be meeting Husband there to holiday together. (He has been in Singapore on a business trip.) We are vacationing in Gay Paree!! Oh, my goodness! How does someone like me get to do something as fabulous as spending spring break around the world? Oh, well, I am not going to look for answers today, I am simply going to prepare to have a grand time with 15 and 17.

This could be a challenge. 15 and 17 don't always have fun together. They are as different as night and day. One is quiet the other is talkative. One is an optimist, the other a pessimist. One an overpacker, one an underpacker. Dark, light. Alarmist, calm. Impatient, patient. Brash, gentle. Could they possibly be more different. I don't think so. But, this is what gives life it's color. Who wants a gray world? I don't. I admit, I could do without some of the more difficult challenges my children cause me to face, but, in reality would the good times be as precious without having experienced the thornier days?

I have delayed this extravagant vacation with children because I have feared I might not have a good time with them.They probably will not appreciate me and all the effort I have to put forth in order for this trip to take place. The money, the time to plan each day, the jet lag, the relationships, the everything. But, today, I believe it will all be worth it. They are excited to go and looking forward to every moment. I will genuinely take pleasure in merely watching them experience Paris, from packing to returning home. I will hold every moment captive because we will probably never get to experience this with them again.

Thank you Lord for your gracious generosity. Thank you for my children. Thank you for Husband.